Tied to the Trax

The Cubs once again find themselves the sole proprietors of the NL Central's top spot with tonight's series win over the Houston Astros. Lou won the first leg of the 4-start parlay he laid down earlier this week as Tricky Trachsel hemmed and hawed his way to a laborious 5-inning win, most of it thanks to a 4-spot the Cubs hung on Woody Williams before he could remember where he stashed any foreign substances on his uniform. The power show the Cubs put on tonight was certainly an encouraging sign but the key item to take away from the game was that we stole a win with one of Hendry's worst ideas ever on the mound. The first three innings were a chore enough to watch as Trachsel continuously balanced a tightrope, an act which he made all the more difficult by adding a degree of difficulty each inning. One inning on a bike, the next balancing some bowling pins and finally riding a bike and balancing some bowling pins. By the time the fourth showed up, he was lucky there was that 4-run safety net ready to catch him. Let's take a quick peek at what was going on in Trachsel's head during the 4th. (81 mph junk to Cub-killer Carlos Lee hammered to left) Trachsel: Man, he hit that hard, lucky this park is huge, Soriano should have that one. (Lee rounding the bases, the crowd in a frenzy) Trachsel: WTF? How did that get out? When the hell did they put those ridiculous seats in left field and what happened to the Astroturf? Eight wonder of the world, my ass. And why the f*** is there a train whistle going off? (Lamb steps up to the plate) Trachsel: Lamb huh? Lamb chops don't sound bad for dinner. Man there's a real good place downtown I recall. I wonder if Archie still works the bar there. That guy made the best hi-balls. (The entire stadium patiently awaits for the first pitch) Trachsel: Aw crap, I guess I better throw something. Will it be the 75 mph junk that goes to the left or the 80 mph junk that goes down? (Lamb grounds out to second, Luke Scott to the plate) Trachsel: Luke Scott huh? I hate it when people have two first names. It's really weird. You know what else was weird? That man-hug McGwire gave his first base coach when he hit #62 off me. That was really uncomfortable. (Trachsel finally gets around to throwing a pitch to Scott) Trachsel: Almost as uncomfortable as watching Mark Grace trying to pick up chicks when he was in a slump. When he meant fat, he meant fat. My arm's starting to hurt. (At some point he retires Scott and then Loretta hits a liner that ends up falling in the first few rows) Trachsel: Damn, that might be a double....WTF? When did we start playing at Thillens? And seriously why the f*** is there a train whistle? (The #8 hitter Eric Munson walks on 6 pitches) Trachsel: Did I really just walk the #8 hitter with no one on? I even put myself to sleep when I pitch. (About 26 pitches into the inning and pitcher Woody Williams fouls off a ball) Trachsel: Damn this is taking forever and damn my shoulder hurts. God, I always said I would never bother you about baseball, lord knows you have bigger things to worry about. But if you could make this pain in my shoulder stop for ten minutes, I would really appreciate it. Well you know the rest, a nice series win; would have been nicer if it was a sweep, but first place for a day either way. Time to put an end to the Cards season....