From the TCR E-mailbag
Dear Transmission, I am a former child star who is trying to regain a normal life. At a very young age, I was thrust into the limelight for all to gawk at this gangly, slightly awkward, annoyingly precocious kid. Not unlike Wil Wheaton. Like so many, I quickly flamed out from over-exposure. I ran through a series of talent-managers, each of whom made very questionable decisions on when and how to cast me. I burned out, and have spent the last several years in therapy and seeing one doc after another. I'm back in the business now, and have landed a modest but recurring role back on TV, with room for my character's role to grow. Yet I can't help but feel that the joke is on me, that my appearances are treated as something as a novelty act. Do I have any chance of regaining my early glory and being treated as a serious performer again, or am I doomed to halcyon recollections of glory years long past?
For all the talk about the world being littered with the careers of former child phenoms, there are plenty who go on to make respectable lives for themselves. Doogie Howser has reinvented himself into a new leading role. Wil Wheaton has... well... a very nice blog. You can't expect to regain your past prominence overnight. Use whatever bit work you can find, now, ignoring the gawkers and whisperers. Consider it an extended audition for a leading role some time down the road. Best Wishes!
Behold! Lo! I am Zeus, greatest of the Gods, son and dispatcher of Chronus, Ruler of Mount Olympus, God of Thunder! Tremble before me in awe of my abundant powers! Cower at the thought of my dreadful thunderbolts, sent from above to smite my foes!Nice try, Carlos. Stick to pitching the 7th inning, for now. Demand deity status when you're arbitration eligible. Zeus's nearest comparable deities, Hera, Poseidon, and Apollo, made about 4 million in their first arb. year plus options on dalliances with two mortals.
To the purported contributing authors and purported readers of the purported The Cub Reporter; We regret to inform you that you don't exist. Much like Tinkerbell, The Bogeyman, and brotherly love, you don't live until our consciousness wills you into existence.
The Tribune Corporation
So I take it your consciousness willed this: "~neener, neener!!~"
I don't understand why TCR hasn't given more attention to Sam Fuld! Now, here's a young man who seems so well-mannered, always tries his hardest, respects his elders, eats his vegetables and does what he's told without having to be told twice. And he's such a handsome young man, especially when he decides to flash that winning style! I'm telling you, he's going to be a real catch for some lucky ball club and some luckier woman, some day, just you see!
Might One Modestly Make A Fuld Ultimatum? Let's Discuss.
Dear MOMMA FULD,
You're in luck! Cubnut and Rob G already have in the works a seven-piece biographical series on everybody's favorite pinch-runner, due to appear this November. It will be following by a comprehensive medical biography authored by Dr. Hecht, and recaps of Fuld's ten greatest minor league games, by AZ Phil. As always, TCR is committed to being your authoritative source for all things Sam Fuld.
We're getting tired of Wade Miller. Will you please take him back?
Evidently, you haven't gotten the news.
I am the man that BIG Z is discussing in the email you answered from your last column. It's interesting that BIG Z wants to make up, after all that he has done to ruin my life, which is why I'm writing to you. After the abusiveness, I did the right thing and got out quickly, going far away. I bummed around southern California for awhile, struggling to find regular work, or a pitcher who would treat me right. Eventually I found my way to Arizona, got involved with a guy named Livan, only to learn that he, too, had a history of battery. I got out before it ever got to the point of becoming his long-term battery-mate, and eventually found my way to Detroit, and a guy named Kenny. That didn't work out too well, either. Neither of these guys are half the pitchers BIG Z was, and I have grown accustomed to catching only the best.
I hear that BIG Z hasn't really been the same since I left, either, and now I'm wondering if maybe we really should get back together, if it might not help both of us be better than what we are, apart?
Buddies Are Rather Rare. Exiting Takes Time.
Dear BARRETT,The most passionate relationships are always the hardest to get over. Right now, you need to break this pattern of looking for new pitchers who wind up treating you just like BIG Z did. This might mean taking a hiatus from catching, entirely, and consider, say, just working at getting to first base, instead? Whatever you do, you can't be looking to reunite with Z this year. No good could possibly come of it.
WTF? I mean, seriously, WTF?
My Ass. Relief Sucks. How About Liberation, Lou?
I hear Matt Murton is looking for a roommate in Free Jason Duboistown. I can give you his number, if you need.
(Received via carrier pigeon from an undisclosed location......)
If the Cubs get to the playoffs, do you expect the television networks to have the good sense to not trot out the tired storyline of redemption for 2003 and Game 6 against the Marlins? I mean, that was 4 years ago! There are only three players on the Cubs left from that team! That ball-club played David Kelton, for Pete's sake. KELTON! You'd think that the networks would have something better to do than show replays of certain unfortunate, entirely regrettable and completely unintended events from four years ago, events that everyone has forgotten and forgiven, anyways, when there's exciting Cubs baseball with a brand new team in a brand new year, to discuss. Right? RIGHT?!?!?!?!?!
Being A Recluse Takes Mostly Anonymity, Namelessness
Sadly, if the Cubs make the playoffs we can expect unending reminders of the Event That Shall Remain Unspoken. Playoff baseball, to the networks, is just another form of entertainment for the masses, requiring hackneyed storylines of tragedy and redemption in order to lure in the ignorant and stupid. We're going to see so many replays of the Event that our best hopes of ending it will be getting an injunction in court on the grounds that it's a form of cruel and unusual punishment. Sorry, and please say hi to Osama, Amelia Earhart, Bigfoot and Kevin Orie.