I Can't Wait for Derrek Lee to Punch Sean Marshall in the Mouth

Wednesday night the Brewers won their 8th consecutive game, and the consensus is that the streak grew directly out of the dugout shoving match-turned-public apology involving Prince Fielder and Manny Parra. (Note to consensus: the fact that the Brewers have been playing the Nats and the Padres might also be a contributing factor.)

The Cubs have been doing just fine, thank you—7 consecutive road wins,11 victories in 14 games overall, maintaining a 3 1/2-game lead in the NL Central—but still, it's nice to know that we could conjure an 8-game run whenever we needed it simply by initiating a little Cub-on-Cub action.

Hell, it's not like we don't have the boys with backgrounds in intramural brawling: Lou Piniella (grappled with Rob Dibble to a draw), Ted Lilly (TKO over his Toronto manager, John Gibbons), and Carlos Zambrano (knocked out Michael Barrett, all the way into the National League West!).

Sure, we could follow the Milwaukee match-making strategy and have Lee (our Fielder) take on Marshall (our Parra), or we could be a little more creative.

Some ideas:

Geovany Soto takes on Henry Blanco. "The Battle of the Backstops." (Soto would do almost all of the fighting; Blanco would only be responsible for every seventh or eighth punch.)

Mike Fontenot vs. Ryan Theriot. "The Showdown of the Raging Cajuns." Let's find out which sparkplug fires hotter, once and for all!

Rich Harden meets Ryan Dempster. The provincial honor of British Columbia—that's what it's all aboot.

Mark DeRosa vs. Alfonso Soriano, Kosuke Fukudome, and Aramis Ramirez. (DeRosa takes on a different opponent on three consecutive days, only no one tells him who he's up against until he gets to the ballpark.) 



"Skinhead" Mike Quade vs. Derrek Lee: RACE WARS!!!!!!!
Daryle Ward vs. Jason Marquis: The Bummus against the Hummus.
Pretty sure that either one could be construed as a hate crime though.

I was thinking Ward Vs The Fontenaught, sort of a David vs Goliath duel.


They could argue over who got to pinch hit for Lilly tonight.

Fonty was on the u.s. Olympic slingshot squad in 2004...and dward's club (bat) hasn't hit a mosquito this year.

Ryan Theriot vs. Aramis Ramirez
Theriot made Cesar Izturis his bitch and took his job last year; former "partner" Ramirez left jealous and with a lonely two-bagger.

In other fighting-related news, Paul Wilson finally remembered where his car is parked.


DeRo vs 3? No contest. Dude is built like a Greek god, don'tcha know.

Did you see the question earlier in the article?

Riot, who wins a fight between you and Fontenot? If you two teamed up, do you think you could take Zambrano out? Inquiring minds want to know... -- Erik Burgio, San Francisco

I'd beat Font's butt, though Z might kill us. But I think Z likes me, or at least I hope he does. I would never fight Font, but if I did, I'd hammer him, and he knows that.

I posted this earlier. Film of Fontenot and Theriot going at it.


In the matchups before the game sporstline had Peavy pitching for the Dads. But he didn't pitch. I dont' know why.

Good matchups

Ward vs size 38 pants

Arams cock vs Chicago El(subway) Pigeon(although that would be a good spanish name for a fighting bird)

Kerry Wood vs Beach Towel

Ivan Dejesus vs Fukodome summarizing Praust Competition.

Carlos Marmol vs John McCain

Ronny Cedeno vs first pitch after pitcher walked last two batters

According to ESPN1000, Onley owner sources said instant replay will be happening "soon" and that it's a"done deal"

It's too bad. And I would actually oppose this, but it seems to me like umps have become total shit in the past three years, so... screw it.

I'm somewhat against it, too. My main concern is that once the technology is in play, it'll be too easy for people to start demanding it be used for more routine calls. If MLB goes there, the sport will try the patience of even the most loyal fans.

Great quote about Scott Eyre's end in Chicago today in Jayson Stark's column:

"His only problem in Chicago was getting in Lou's doghouse. And when you get in that doghouse, you don't get out. It's a very deep doghouse. It's kind of a Saint Bernard doghouse."


Entire Cubs lineup vs. DITKA!

Regular size Ditka or mini-Ditka?


Trans vs BOOBS!

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  • QuietMan 2 min 45 sec ago view
  • FYI, formatting of the web page is weird.

    JoePepitone 2 hours 36 min ago view
  • Now who can argue with that? I think we're all indebted to Gabby Johnson for clearly stating what needed to be said. I'm particularly glad that these lovely children were here today to hear that speech. Not only was it authentic frontier gibberish, it expressed a courage little seen in this day and age.

    Jackstraw 2 hours 48 min ago view
  • White Sox new stadium name w apropos logo


    jacos 3 hours 29 min ago view
  • it was between that and "more like the CRUNCH REALLY EARLY AM REPORTER because i'm gonna c.r.e.am all over this place."

    i chose the classy route.

    crunch 3 hours 31 min ago view
  • Rob G. 3 hours 42 min ago view
  • that was the 2nd greatest piece of performance art since Donald Trump's campaign

    Rob G. 3 hours 42 min ago view
  • 👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 good shit go౦ԁ sHit👌 thats ✔ some good👌👌shit right👌👌there👌👌👌 right✔there ✔✔if i do ƽaү so my self 💯 i say so 💯 thats what im talking about right there right there (chorus: ʳᶦᵍʰᵗ ᵗʰᵉʳᵉ) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👌 👌НO0ОଠOOOOOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌👌 👌 💯 👌👌🎩👓🎩👍🎩👓🎩👍🎩 euphoric logic !euphoric loGic👌 thats ✔ some euphoric👌💻 logic right👌💻there👌👍👌 Carl 🔭 Sagan🌌💫if i do ƽaү so gentlemen 💯 i say so 💯 thats euPhoric logic right there Richard 📒 Dawkins🎩 (chorus: socrates died for this shit) mMMMMᎷМ💯 👌👓👌НO0ОଠOOOOOОଠଠOoooᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒᵒ👌 👌🎩 👌 💯 👌 👓🎩🎩🎩 👍👌euphoric logic slam me the FUCK uP 👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀👌👀 john cena JOhN cEna

    crunch 4 hours 9 min ago view
  • You can start the CRUNCH EARLY AM REPORTER. Then you can blog to yourself, and argue with yourself about Jon Lester.

    The E-Man 5 hours 19 min ago view
  • my current job has me coming in at 7am (eastern)...i miss staying up til 2am to watch west coast games.

    crunch 7 hours 1 min ago view
  • Remember when west coast road trips were a good time to catch up on some reading?

    Old and Blue 7 hours 18 min ago view
  • Taboola field is more appropriate.

    Old and Blue 7 hours 19 min ago view
  • we can only hope...

    The things you have to do to pay for James Shields contract.

    Rob G. 8 hours 1 min ago view
  • I wonder if they'll have to make use of the Guaranteed Rate logo, which is a giant red arrow pointing downward.

    Brick 8 hours 6 min ago view
  • unsurprisingly, the White Sox continue a tradition of stupid stuff....

    @DannyEcker BREAKING: Guaranteed Rate has purchased naming rights to U.S. Cellular Field. Will be known as Guaranteed Rate Field thru 2030.

    Rob G. 8 hours 9 min ago view
  • that was a very kind 3rd strike to hendricks to end the 3rd.

    man on 3rd, 0 outs and got 2 pop-ups and a K...Maddux-lite indeed

    Rob G. 8 hours 19 min ago view