Cub Fans: Go Garden Instead of Killing Someone

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I was driving home from work Friday when a hapless woman slammed on her brakes, blocking the right lane, just past an entrance to the auto mechanic's place where she wanted to go. The car behind her was bumper to bumper, too close to pull around. The car behind that car was me, in the same predicament, only I was a Cub Fan and the Cubs had just lost to the Pirates again.

The woman wanting to go into the auto mechanic's place had apparently decided she'd wait until traffic cleared behind her so she could back up, rather than go around the block.

The Rage, it just took over.

I started blaring my horn at second #3.

I also had my top down, which gave me the luxury of yelling, which happened at about second #7.

By the time I could pull out into the left lane, little bits of stuff between my teeth were flying out my mouth while I let out a constant stream of full volume profanity which I'm sure you couldn't really hear because of the horn. When I got parallel, I stopped in the left lane (not caring about the traffic behind me), and with all the veins popping out of my neck told her in so many words that I thought she wasn't a very smart person.

And when she looked at me I didn't get the satisfaction of her being mad back because she looked... like she was looking at a crazy man.

How long had I been trapped there? Maybe 15 seconds.

And that's when I realized I'd lost it.

Which is why today is a perfect day to go garden with the game on your transistor.

Cubs on 1st and 3rd with one out and Aramis hits into a double play? Take your freaking hoe and whack the ground with all your might.

John Grabow comes in and walks the first two with the Cubs up by one in the 6th? Shovel like Cool Hand Luke in the prison line.

Get on your knees with that spade in both hands and plunge it into the dirty black heart of wasted run opportunity and pitching incompetence.

By the time the game's over, you'll be spent and even if the Cubs drop another one, the tomatoes will be planted.

Tim Souers work can be regularly found at Cubby Blue.



"I also had my top down"

I'm glad you didn't say you had your top off, cuz guys look like shit without shirts on, no matter what they think.

Oh, and btw, this is no longer a statistical anomaly or a "small sample size" issue. Aramis is, officially, somehow, out of the blue, suddenly, a very bad hitter. I can't think of I time I've seen such an extreme drop.

Going into the game April 21 ... Colvin had had three starts in 2.5 weeks, and he was batting .222.

Over the next eight games, he got six starts. By the end of that time, his average rose to .325.

He's had two starts since then, over about three weeks. His average is back down to .269.

However, I'll admit there's one thing he hasn't been able to accomplish: being a veteran, even one who can't get his avg above .200.

I called a buddy who used to play minor league ball, and he told me the best way to be a veteran is to get playing time. Since I've never played, I'll have to take his word for it.

I'll try to talk to Lou before the game. I've got 13 more minutes to get him his pizza or else it's free.

Lastings Milledge seems to be doing his Jake the Rake Fox impression today.

next year i'm planting my garden like this.

the tomatoes and peppers will probably taste better.

fun fact: tom rickets has signed 400,000 more autographs from spring until now than the entire lockerroom combined.

ah...a win. feels good.

I'm with you Cubby Blue. When the Cubs are losing I like to get drunk and hang out with the hoes.


nice! Hang w/the hoes!!

Tim - what a hilarious article. I really enjoyed it. Somehow I feel like I've done what you described in a sports-related rage. Fortunately I have many opportunities between my beloved Bears and Cubs. How they both seem to permanently suck is uncanny

I agree.

I never knew until this season that Xavier Nady was 80 percent nose.

With the Great Schnozola's hit to give the Cubs the lead, Tyler Colvin might as well find the Ken Griffey Approved Nap Chair in the clubhouse.

Holy crap, the Cubs won that game? I looked at one point yesterday and saw it was 0-3 pirates in the second inning or some crap and decided to go do something more fun than watch the cubs get swept by the pirates again, like a colonoscopy or sinus rinse or something, I don't really remember. Guess I should have muddled through.



I've never tried a spade from my hands and knees - I did do some yard work after the hawks game Sunday, though.

Recent comments

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  • That is pretty fucking dumb.

  • "The Seattle Mariners have agreed to trade slugger Mark Trumbo to the Baltimore Orioles in exchange for catcher Steve Clevenger, a source confirmed to ESPN's Jim Bowden."

    yeah, that steve clevenger.

  • St Louis offered $30MM less than around $185MM or $26MM per year. When those type of numbers and details are released, it is rarely just pulled out of thin air. Sounds pretty legit that they put up a bit of a fight.

  • Where did you get 30ish number?

  • Close second to Ronny

  • Dumber than Ronny Cedeno?

  • runner-up seems to be as strong as in the bidding as it gets aside from winning the bid.

    STL has money to spend, but how much they were willing to spend was up in the air...and now they threw around a 30m-ish offer to a top FA pitcher.

  • You believe they were in the bidding, I have an ice rink on Clark to sell you

  • Oh God, no Adam Eaton he's dummber than a bag of wet hair. keep him awsy

  • Edit: Not advocating for Miller, just pointing out it has more legs than some of these other guys.

    There's this: (link is external)

    And this:
    Jerry Crasnick ‏@jcrasnick 6h6 hours ago
    #Braves are smitten with Jorge Soler, person said. Julio Teheran likely wouldn't get it done. Could Miller spark interest from #Cubs?

  • Jorge Soler:
    2016: $3M
    2017: $3M
    2018: $4M (or salary arbitration 2018-20)
    2019: $4M (or salary arbitration 2019-20)
    2020: $4M (or salary arbitration 2020)



    1. Carlos Carrasco
    2016: $4.5M
    2017: $6.5M
    2018: $8M
    2019: $9M (club option with $662,500 buy-out)
    2020: $9.5M (club option with $662,500 buy-out)


    - OR -  


  • wow, so STL is ready to throw 30m down on a pitcher? yow...that changes the offseason outlook a bit.

  • it seems greenkey is supposedly not going to be a cub so it leaves cueto or trade...or scrap heap.

    rather than 1000000 articles linking the cubs to zimm/price, that leaves 10000000 articles about heyward to be written (and therefore soler-trade speculation).

  • Guess who was runner-up in the Price is Right?

  • the more pieces that fall, the more it seems like soler is going to be playing in ATL next year.
    Not a fan of ex-cardinals. It was tough enough watching Jim Edmonds.
    Hope they don't go after Shelby GT Miller

  • greenkey, cueto...or...umm...a trade with ATL?


    i haven't heard the cubs linked to greenkey, but there were 100000 articles about whether the cubs would be snagging zimmerman or price.

    the more pieces that fall, the more it seems like soler is going to be playing in ATL next year.