Cub Fans: Go Garden Instead of Killing Someone

(click on the image to see the full-size version)

I was driving home from work Friday when a hapless woman slammed on her brakes, blocking the right lane, just past an entrance to the auto mechanic's place where she wanted to go. The car behind her was bumper to bumper, too close to pull around. The car behind that car was me, in the same predicament, only I was a Cub Fan and the Cubs had just lost to the Pirates again.

The woman wanting to go into the auto mechanic's place had apparently decided she'd wait until traffic cleared behind her so she could back up, rather than go around the block.

The Rage, it just took over.

I started blaring my horn at second #3.

I also had my top down, which gave me the luxury of yelling, which happened at about second #7.

By the time I could pull out into the left lane, little bits of stuff between my teeth were flying out my mouth while I let out a constant stream of full volume profanity which I'm sure you couldn't really hear because of the horn. When I got parallel, I stopped in the left lane (not caring about the traffic behind me), and with all the veins popping out of my neck told her in so many words that I thought she wasn't a very smart person.

And when she looked at me I didn't get the satisfaction of her being mad back because she looked... like she was looking at a crazy man.

How long had I been trapped there? Maybe 15 seconds.

And that's when I realized I'd lost it.

Which is why today is a perfect day to go garden with the game on your transistor.

Cubs on 1st and 3rd with one out and Aramis hits into a double play? Take your freaking hoe and whack the ground with all your might.

John Grabow comes in and walks the first two with the Cubs up by one in the 6th? Shovel like Cool Hand Luke in the prison line.

Get on your knees with that spade in both hands and plunge it into the dirty black heart of wasted run opportunity and pitching incompetence.

By the time the game's over, you'll be spent and even if the Cubs drop another one, the tomatoes will be planted.


Tim Souers work can be regularly found at Cubby Blue.

Tags: 

Comments

"I also had my top down"

I'm glad you didn't say you had your top off, cuz guys look like shit without shirts on, no matter what they think.

Oh, and btw, this is no longer a statistical anomaly or a "small sample size" issue. Aramis is, officially, somehow, out of the blue, suddenly, a very bad hitter. I can't think of I time I've seen such an extreme drop.

Going into the game April 21 ... Colvin had had three starts in 2.5 weeks, and he was batting .222.

Over the next eight games, he got six starts. By the end of that time, his average rose to .325.

He's had two starts since then, over about three weeks. His average is back down to .269.

However, I'll admit there's one thing he hasn't been able to accomplish: being a veteran, even one who can't get his avg above .200.

I called a buddy who used to play minor league ball, and he told me the best way to be a veteran is to get playing time. Since I've never played, I'll have to take his word for it.

I'll try to talk to Lou before the game. I've got 13 more minutes to get him his pizza or else it's free.

Lastings Milledge seems to be doing his Jake the Rake Fox impression today.

next year i'm planting my garden like this.

the tomatoes and peppers will probably taste better.

fun fact: tom rickets has signed 400,000 more autographs from spring until now than the entire lockerroom combined.

ah...a win. feels good.

I'm with you Cubby Blue. When the Cubs are losing I like to get drunk and hang out with the hoes.

HAHA!

nice! Hang w/the hoes!!

Tim - what a hilarious article. I really enjoyed it. Somehow I feel like I've done what you described in a sports-related rage. Fortunately I have many opportunities between my beloved Bears and Cubs. How they both seem to permanently suck is uncanny

I agree.

I never knew until this season that Xavier Nady was 80 percent nose.

With the Great Schnozola's hit to give the Cubs the lead, Tyler Colvin might as well find the Ken Griffey Approved Nap Chair in the clubhouse.

Holy crap, the Cubs won that game? I looked at one point yesterday and saw it was 0-3 pirates in the second inning or some crap and decided to go do something more fun than watch the cubs get swept by the pirates again, like a colonoscopy or sinus rinse or something, I don't really remember. Guess I should have muddled through.

FIRE HENDRY!!!!!!!

lulz.

I've never tried a spade from my hands and knees - I did do some yard work after the hawks game Sunday, though.

Recent comments

Subscribe to Recent comments
The first 600 characters of the last 16 comments, click "View" to see rest of comment.
  • Reds pitching meeting tomorrow:

    "Hey coach...maybe we should walk Bryant?"
    "No...keep challenging him with fastballs! What kind of man are you?! The Cubs walked Harper, and look what happened there! They got teased for it, by one of the Nat players! Is that what you want?"

    billybucks 9 hours 27 min ago view
  • How can I get that feature? I think it woudl be a win-win for all involved.

    billybucks 9 hours 31 min ago view
  • Ian Happ is hitting.733 after 5 games at Tennessee. He went into tonight's game hitting .667 -- and went 3-for-3 to raise his average.

    2-for-3, including a bomb, for LaStella at Iowa. Pierce Johnson very bad -- 2IP, 5ER. Pitching prospects not looking so hot -- Underwood has been awful.

    Did Jiminez get hurt? I noticed he came out early yesterday.

    billybucks 10 hours 19 min ago view
  • Contreras keeps hitting/walking like this, and Miggy keep up the poor D and lack of offense - the kid could be the #1 catcher very soon.

    billybucks 10 hours 25 min ago view
  • it doesn't hurt that the Cardinals lose the KC and the Pirates lost too.

    Cubster 10 hours 25 min ago view
  • ...still trying to process what I just saw. From both KB and Jake. Walking Billy Hamilton twice is a cry for help. I think the nudie photos are messing with Jake's head.

    billybucks 10 hours 28 min ago view
  • Hopefully Peralta's time on the Cubs roster will be shorter than R. Soriano's.

    Cubster 10 hours 44 min ago view
  • it took 9 pitches for peralta to give up his 1st cubs homer. neat.

    crunch 10 hours 49 min ago view
  • damn...totally missed that ruben quevedo died on june 7th. he was only 37...heart attack.

    he threw some really horrible games for the cubs in 2000 and followed it up by doing the same for 3 season for the brewers.

    crunch 10 hours 56 min ago view
  • Holy Kris Bryant what?!

    Ryno 10 hours 58 min ago view
  • Hitting 3 HR, 2 doubles in a game. Never been done in mlb history per Len/Bob.

    Cubster 11 hours 9 min ago view
  • walks? this is baseball, not a nature hike. he needs to get his head in the game.

    in my opinion, he would have been better off hitting 2 homers rather than walking twice. /moneyballs

    crunch 11 hours 12 min ago view
  • Rizzo: 2-3, homer, double, 2 walks - meh

    Eric S 11 hours 15 min ago view
  • in other news, the site seems to be eating about 50% of my comments...which is probably a good thing in hindsight.

    Rob G. 11 hours 17 min ago view
  • The Tucker Barnhart reactions after each Kris Bryant HR are kind of priceless.

    Rob G. 11 hours 20 min ago view
  • ...but, he's also good at home runs, too.

    also, rizzo.

    crunch 11 hours 24 min ago view