Match Game

I thinks it's important that we come up with the perfect term to describe the annihilation of the Brew Bitches from the North. So please fill-in with the most appropriate verb. All submissions are welcome.

The Cubs (blanked) the Brewers.

a few to start you off: dominated, beat-up, skull-fucked, etc... 

If you need to add a metaphor or point of reference to the end of the sentence, that is acceptable as well.


gyro-screwed and what-the-fuckulated

Game Thread Pic over at the Brew Crew Ball Blog

The Cubs (LeeEliad) the Brewers. Yeah, Baby!


Can't add much creative...
Cubs ManRammed the Brewers

But I have been laughing for 30 minutes over this onion article...especially the pictures. I'm sure it's old news, but holy crap is that good stuff.

That is the best Onion article ever.

Sorry. Not as funny. Those pictures of Fielder as the burger and Sabathia as the hotdog are still making me laugh.

That's not to say I don't like your article. It's great and clever but it's not in the same league as Blockhead's.

That's ok. I didn't write it. I always just find their religious stuff funnier than the sports.

I've always been partial to this one:

The Cubs (played good baseball against) the Brewers.

oh no you didn't...

I know. I'm naughty.

The Cubs (pwned) the Brewers.


I think you had a typo. Did you mean "owned?"


The Cubs BeaArthured the Brewers.

The Cubs Bukkaked the Brewers

The Cubs [censored] the Brewers.

Oh MVN -- I don't miss you at all.

Gene, I'm going with "had anal sex with from the top position."

If nothing else, I'm certain I at least matched Charles Nelson Riley.

Silly me, i would have been happy with a split!

The Cubs Boguslawed the Brewers like a toothless Sox fan.



cock fucked

The Cubs "lillyzdempsterhardened" the Brewers.

Sounds Norwegian or Germanic... say it fast.

but the Nats lineup for tonight does not have one hitter with an OPS over .800 or a single hitter with an OBP over .340.

The Cubs burninated the Brewers!!

HARDEN was a man
I mean, he was a dragon man
Or maybe he was just a dragon

But he was still HARDEN!

Burninating the countryside,
Burninating the Brewers
Burninating all the peoples
And their thatched-roof COTTAGES!



The Cubs [SOTOmized] the Brewers.

The Cubs read them the riot act

"We don't like the fact that we allowed their fans to come into our park and have a four-day party," Brewers manager Ned Yost said. "But that's our fault."

the Cubs braunschweigered the Brewers...

The Cubs "Randall Simon-ed" the Brewers.

This was my joke too, but I was going with 'Sausage Slapped' and post the link.

The Cubs outclassed the Brewers. They could have easily won the first 2 games if it wasnt for some bad defensive plays. Milwaukee showed in this series that they have not grown as baseball team from last year.

the Cubs blunt force trauma-ed the Brewers [who by the way look like crap as a group in uniform; between them Sheets, Hardy, Hart, Fatboy, et. al look like a bad pajama party]...

I think the Cubs , made 'em eat our shit, then shit out our shit, then eat their shit which is made up of our shit that we made 'em eat.

I am horrified to say this, but I think Chad wins.

and boom goes the dynamite!

The bomb diggity, yo.

The cubs "Barretted" the Brew crew

Randall Simon'ed gets my vote, but Chad and Whipple are up there as well. Lee Elia'd isn't bad either.

8-4 in the bottom of the 8th. Could be 5 games up with our favorite whipping boys coming to town minus Nady and Bay.

Five games up! WOO! Quite the change from five days ago. =)

The Cubs "oops-maybe-we-shouldn't-have-traded-all-of-our-best-prospects-for-three-months-of-CC-ed" the Brewers

took the Cubs about 10 games to lose their 6 game lead over the Brewers, and now got 5 back in a period of 5 games. Point being, there's a lot of baseball left to be played, and things change quickly.

Cubs schedule is killer in September, so we need to use this long homestand to build a cushion and fight from there.

not like there's anything like an easy series in baseball, but if you assume the Cubs have advantage in all their home series with they way they've played at Wrigley, the only "difficult" series they have in August is three games @ Florida.

They're only other road games in August are vs Pitt and Atlanta. 


Cubs magic number is 49...

too soon?

when it gets under 20, that's when it gets real fun.

ha...from the cbssportsline blog of the twins-Sox game.

"Span gets hit on the knee but the umpire says he was bunting. Gardenhire argues the call and gets thrown out of the game. The fans start throwing hats onto the field and Ozzie Guillen pulls his team off the field. And now he's getting into an arguement with a fan! This is one of the stranger delays I've ever seen"

Sox fan bro-in-law of mine just called, says it was AJ who made that play a reality by keeping his head in the game and asking the ump, "was he bunting???"

I hate AJ, but mostly because he's good.

And I hate the quality of MLB umpires, who keep believing his acting rather than their own eyes.

On a positive note, AJ's antics seem to have backfired as the Gardy tossing-hat throwing-Ozz arguing with a fan delay pretty much sparked the rally that cost the sox the game.

On a positive note, AJ's antics seem to have backfired as the Gardy tossing-hat throwing-Ozz arguing with a fan delay pretty much sparked the rally that cost the sox the game.

Or maybe the team just started hitting bad pitching, and it had nothing to do with with Gardy, fans, AJ, or Ozzie.

Or maybe they didn't. They scored 7 of their runs against a guys with a 3.31, a 2.53 and a 3.23.

Not sure bad pitching is completely accurate.

I didn't mean that they were bad pitcher... I just meant that the Twins hitters may have just started hitting better than the Sox were pitching.

Maybe it didn't have anything to do with it. But the point of AJ's acting was to get a called strike instead of a HBP.

He got that but also got a very long delay in the game. The pitcher wound up throwing 3 straight balls, resulting in a walk that started a 4 run rally.

You'll never be able to prove either way exactly what effect the delay had on the game. Maybe it was all just a coincidence that the White Sox pitchers lost control after a long delay and maybe its just a coincidence that the Twins started to hit after being given a very bad call as an event to rally around, but I wouldn't dismiss an event like a long delay simply because it doesn't show up in the box score.

March/April: 17-10
May: 18-11
June: 15-12
July: 15-11

65-44 with a .596 winning percentage, which would be good for 96 wins. Have now played 3 more road games than home games.

19 @ home...9 on the road in August.

on their Yahoo team page it says Lou would like to get Samardzija in back-to-back games this weekend. Says he put him in a 7-0 game to give him late-inning work on the road.

The Cubs Kermit-Washington-Rudy-Tomjanoviched the Brewers.

They never saw it coming.
This is the best Onion article EVER! Sorry, a little late in the thread... This should be right up your alley, The Joe!

Pie tripled and scored in the first, then was taken out.

Any info?

i believe it was a injured hand/wrist...

I was there today, and I would swear out of 45,346 in attendance at least half were Cubs fans. It was unbelievable. Even the tail-gaters in the parking lots were 50/50 Cubs/Brewers fans. It was like the stadium and the Brewers were our bitches.

5 days ago CHC/MIL were tied for 1st and STL was 3 games trailing the leaders.

now CHC has a 5 game lead over STL/MIL who are tied for 2nd.


LoDuca and Felipe Lopez...of course, if you're not good enough to crack their lineup, you're probably not much use to anyone.

BP is still expecting Felipe Lopez to repeat his 2005 season at anytime. :)

My favorite Onion moment, and yes this is horribly un-p.c. It was one of their headlines without articles, "Special Olymipcs T-Ball Stand Pitches Perfect Game."

Yes. I laughed, and I felt bad about it. I still laugh... every... single... time.

Quit stat observation:

I think it was Rob G. who noticed earlier this year that the Cubs had a great record in games decided by 3 runs or more. This was considered important because losing a one-run game could be a crapshot, but losing a 3-run game means that you were well and truly submissive.

The Cubs are leading all of baseball with a run differential of +130.
That means that when we win, be bust out the Obliviaxe.
The next closest team is the Red Sox with a +82. They have 48 more runs than the Red Sox.

The Cubs are #2 in all of baseball with 580 runs scored (Rangers with 610).

Oh so pretty...

don't think it was me, but Cubs are 15-17 in one-run games.

20-10 in "blowouts" (5 runs or more).

not sure about 3 runs or more or where to find that... 

New SAT question:


correct answer


Cubs:Brewers :: Brett Meyers:Wife

Cubs:Brewers :: Prince:Party Try of Hummus & Vegetables

Shakespeare: The Cubs unseamed the Brewers from the nave to th' chops.

Cartoon character w/Bronx accent: The Cubs moidalized the Brewers.

Psychiatrist: The Cubs inflicted a closed-head injury on the Brewers, who report neurologic sequelae to include dizziness, loss of orientation, aggressive behavior, and feelings of depression and anxiety.

Reality: The Cubs completely unnerved, and exposed, the Brewers.

My favorite Onion-baseball story, courtesy of (one of) my favorite whipping boy(s):

To provide a Match Game answer:

The Cubs Farnsworthed the Brewers.

To provide another answer to my SAT question above

Moises Alou:Hands

The Cubs [You know that disgusting goo which has to be cleaned out of the brewery vats after fermentation is done and the beer is gone? Yeah that. The Cubs de-goo-ed] the Brewers.

More of a concept than a phrase, really

Griff Sr. talking about Junior: "People have no idea what he went through in his career," Griffey said. "The first time he broke his hand in Seattle, it was bad, man. I thought he might miss two years. They put a plate in his hand and he was back in six weeks. Then a screw came loose in the plate and he screwed it back in himself."

My favorite Onion baseball story:

Classic. I really wanted to stop reading it, but I couldn't.

That was pretty classic.

Reading many of the above is such a blast.

S.A.T.?! LOL!



Where else would you see this shit re Cubs baseball, I ask??

One of the many reasons why I love TCR!

Dotel gave up the 7th inning back to backs for DLee/Aram...Kubel was just studying that video when Ozzie pulled his players off the field.


Just a couple names from ESPN 1K

Dome 2nd
Scrappy Mity Mouse, 2B 7th
Cedeno, SS, 8th

Scrappy Mity Mouse, 2B 7th

I thought it was Little Babe Ruth.

Oh - Jimmy Hollywood, 5th

LF Soriano
RF Fukudome
1B Lee
3B Ramirez
CF Edmonds
C Soto
2B Fontenot
SS Cedeno
P Marquis

They didnt mention the Pirates lineup but that should be interesting if Laroache and Moss had logistics issue with that trade going down suddenly so its not like they had a heads up to get ready to get to Chicago.

(EDIT): Laroache and Moss are in the lineup.

2B Rivas
1B Douggy M.
CF McLouth
C Doumit
3B Laroache
RF Moss
LF Michaels
SS Wilson
P Karstens

ENOBAY. Me likee.

I actually really like this lineup


With all due respect, this is the greatest Onion article:

I am just glad crunch made it.

Seriously though, Yo La Tengo is for the the 'What fucking Ian?'s of the world, not the Rob Gordons.

The Cubs did not only Skull-fuck the Brewers with that sweep two weeks ago!!! they skull fucked the Cardinals too!!!

Recent comments

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  • Russell had a severe hamstring last year while with the A's system, forcing him to miss the first half of 2014. I've even wondered if his injury last year was a component of Billy Beane putting him on the trade market. He was quoted saying that last year's injury was a 10 out of 10 when it happened. Last night he said his hamstring soreness was a 1/1.5 out of 10. Hamstring injuries are tricky though, so I'd expect the medical team to be overly cautious here.

  • ...I want to reinforce the observation that there was no sea of red in the crowd. The usual Cardinal fans roaming the stadium were few and far between.

    Also, almost every 2 strike pitch brought the fans to their feet. Good for those in knee rehab.

  • "1st team hit hit 6HR in a game in the postseason." rises above obvious...i checked it with the official fact-finding commission of Douche, Douche, and Douchestein. they agreed with you, but they're a bunch of f'n douches so who cares?

    btw, the cubs are 2-1 in the post-season series.

  • I should be able to watch the game on the NFL replay app, whatever that thing is called. I've got it on my iPad. This is the first year I haven't forced myself to somehow watch every game - no I take that back, last year was - in quite some time. Last year was so unbearable, no pun intended.

    You make some good points about Cutler, and I was a holdout defender of Cutler for a long time. I gave up on him a bit after one too many dumb interceptions, but last year doesn't count. Trestman was the worst coach in Bears history.

  • Nice little reportage there!. I think you're older than me. Considerably older. Maybe several generations. Working out is so essential, especially as age kicks in, isn't it? I still lift weights, and so I'm confident that when I get to be at the hip breaking age, mine won't be a statistic. But I have a ways to go for that to be a concern.

  • What was impressive to me is that the Cubs won despite poor base running, several defensive miscues, Russell leaving due to injury, Arrieta having an off game and getting knocked out early, and Rondon giving up 2 runs in the 9th. If they can win a game like that... 

  • I was there too. The crowd was absolutely electric. People were standing for every big and semi-big moment, from the first inning on. It felt incredibly strange and exhilarating to see the Cubs (the Chicago bleepin' Cubs!) score playoff insurance runs on the Cardinals. What a game. One to remember.

  • 14 in attendance. What's the record for attendance in the fall? I guess I should ask what the record attendance listed is in one of your recaps.

  • I was there too, with my grown son. This is my miracle year-- I rose to the top of the season ticket list after eight years, completely unexpectedly, and my wonderful wife agreed to put the ticket fee on the emergency credit card. The whole point of course was that the Cubs were going to be good this year, and then for a while, so to get season tickets with the guaranteed shot at the postseason was incredible timing. We got to the remote lot at 4:10 after stopping at Nhu Lan for our usual banh mi sandwiches, only to find the lot full, way earlier than normal.

  • Wrigley was electric tonite
    Not many card fans
    Video board was great, they played "there goes my hero" by foos over ryno highlights before he came out. Spectacular

    Good times hopefully they win tomorrow but think Lester will beat poopy pants on Wednesday.

    Happy 4th anniversary of Theo's signing

    Go Cubs !

  • Yeah. "Goodbye!" is a lame HR call.

    I miss Len and JD -- although, driving home from a friend's, WBBM played all 6 HR calls in a row -- and Len got to call the Bryant/Rizzo back-to-back. Very fun.

  • Lackey has been a beast against us. His stats on 3 days rest, however, not as nice. There is plenty of hope.

  • And, no dreadlocks grown yet.

  • Captain Obvious Strikes Again!!!

  • Amen, brother.

  • In the wild card game he mentioned that aram started with the Pirates, then played for the Brewers, and now he's back with the Pirates. Uhhhh, missed a step there, guy.