Your 2010 Cubs: What To Expect

Hello, everyone! I'm Lizzy: Native Virginian, devoted Cubs fan, and author of a blog called The Fair Base Ballist. I was supposed to make a guest post here when Rob G. was on vacation, but technical difficulties prevented my doing so. I spent a good chunk of time hammering out individual player projections for 2010, and Rob has been kind enough to let me go ahead and post them. I hope you'll enjoy, and please contribute your own ideas to mine (especially for the mystery bench player who is likely to be announced 5 minutes after I publish this. I have omitted the 4 candidates for brevity's sake.)

Without further fanfare, your 2010 Chicago Cubs previews. They are all 100% serious.

 

Carlos Zambrano:
Big Z is going into the 2010 season with an improved physique and
attitude. I say he tallies 4 homers before the All Star break and
starts to take up knitting.

Ted Lilly:
Will hit a home run this season... possibly his first game back.
BELIEVE IT.

Ryan Dempster:
14-7, 3.69 ERA, 1.28 WHIP, 19 QS, 190 K, 206.2 IP, 24 QP (Quality
Pranks,) 13 NSQP (Not-So Quality Pranks.)

Randy Wells:
Will pick a road alias based on a Will Ferrell character and think
he's soo-ooo clever for it.

 

Tom Gorzelanny:
The slack jawed southpaw will sneak undetected into Wrigley several
times in the middle of the night to catch lightning bugs.

Carlos Silva:
I'm not going to name any names, but certain Cubs beat reporters are
already looking forward to writing pieces on Carlos' hitting under
the headline “Silva Slugger.”

 

Jeff Samardzija:
The Shark will fall in love with a charming south-side shopkeeper who
knows nothing about baseball. This will inadvertently put his career
on the right track. Ah, the power of love!

Sean Marshall:
Write this down: On August 17
th
Randy Wells will eat some bad pasta primavera at a sketchy San Diego
bistro (he will have heard that the chef there was reputable, a sad
bit of misinformation.) Violently ill on August 18
th,
Randy will be unable to make his scheduled start. Sean Marshall,
unsurprisingly, is the last minute replacement. He will take a
no-hitter into the 8
th
inning. With 2 outs, he will lose the bid on a blasted infield single
to stupid Will Venable. He'll still end up with a 2-hit shutout.

Carlos Marmol:
Here's your daily dose of optimism, courtesy of Dr. Liz: Not only
will Marmol hold down the closer position for the entire 2010 season,
he will be the second
best
closer
in our division and we'll all be angry in July when he isn't selected
as an All Star.

John Grabow:
Will watch “Memento” and get all weirded out, because
he's
John G., too!

Esmailin Caridad:
That smile will take him far.

Justin Berg:
May we please call Justin “Pika-Cheeks” for obvious reasons?

 

Geovany Soto:
Y'know, I think, y'know, that's Geo's gonna have a much better,
y'know, year this year. Because, y'know, he lost all that, y'know,
weight, and just seems really motivated, y'know?

Koyie Hill:
At one point in '09, video footage surfaced of Koyie standing atop
Wrigley's scoreboard and tossing off frisbees. Remember that? Well,
stay tuned, 'cause this year Koyie's gonna try the same thing with
bowling balls!

Derrek Lee:
Will continue to make striking out look good.

Mike Fontenot:
Font and Z will go on being special buddies.

Jeff Baker:
Would rather not make a prediction as it might turn out to be wrong.

Ryan Theriot:
Things will get awkward between The Riot and several of his teammates
as they catch him interviewing himself in the bathroom mirror
multiple times.

Aramis Ramirez:
I can't say what I'm thinking or I'll jinx it.

Alfonso Soriano:
In the time that Soriano spends on the DL this season, he will learn
to play the glass harmonica and release his own self-titled album.
All profits will go toward the preservation of endangered sea
turtles.

 

Marlon Byrd:
Will smile, and make merry, and win over the masses whether he
performs well or not. Because Marlon has won
me
over already, I am thoroughly convinced he's gonna be awesome.

 

Kosuke Fukudome:
Kosuke will hold a press conference in mid-May and divulge that his
young son suffers from an extremely rare disease which causes his
face to resemble that of a cute animated bear.

Xavier Nady:
I will doodle his name all over everything for as long as he is
donning Cubby blue.

Tyler Colvin:
With any luck, Mr. Colvin will prove that his spring performance has
not been a fluke, and none of us will feel too bad when Soriano
inevitably pulls, strains, sprains, and/or fractures various parts of
his body.

*Starlin Castro:
Although he was raised in the Dominican Republic, you may not know
that Starlin was actually
born
on the “Lost” island... under a rainbow... on Christmas. He is
endowed with a bat of silver, a glove of gold, the mind of a wizard,
and the heart of a Newfoundland puppy. He will descend upon Chicago
like an enormous trophy-shaped cloud on a scorching summer day. He
will win you over with a flash of his bat, leather, and boyish smile.
Within 2 weeks of his debut, Baseball Tonight will quit selecting the
day's top Web Gems (what's the point when all 10 belong to the same
player?) Over the second half, Starlin will become the owner of a
70-game hit streak and a .464 batting average. A few journalists will
question the naturalness of these feats, but Starlin will click his
heels together 3 times and they'll all vanish into thin air. If,
after all this, you are one of Starlin's few remaining doubters, he
will fly to your home on the back of a magical rocking-horse and
sprinkle you with an enchanted mixture of star dust and goat ash
while you're sleeping.

By 2020, he shall have a World Series ring for each finger, 10 MVP
awards, and a lovely alcove reserved for him in the Hall of Fame. He
will play every year at the league minimum salary, continually
rejecting colossal pay-days, because he just wants to play for the
love of the game. When Starlin's career finally concludes, his jersey
number will be universally retired (Not just from baseball, but from
all mathematics
.)

 



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Comments

?

I give up. What was the point of the above?

I have wasted three minutes of my life I will never get back.

Thanks alot.

they call it humor.

hopefully if you don't agree with this person's humor they won't take it personally and tell you that you don't understand humor or satire like some other sites that think they're a satire site. some people get all hissy and emo passive aggressive about that.

And, you may not understand satirical reply or commentary?

as long as you don't take it personally and as an attack on your intelligence by labeling someone a sub-human incapable of understanding humor it's all good.

i know my brand of humor wouldn't play out for everyone and i don't think my critics just "don't get it" because they incapable of it.

you can "get it" and still think it's a pile of aggro ego driven crap that's not funny...kinda like some people find artie lange funny...

Psh. You guys are lame.

Liz, your prediction for TheRiot is not only hilarious, it is entirely possible.

Don't mind the negative guys. It was funny.

Hmm, well I'm not quite sure what was going on up there ↑ ↑.

But Jonathan Mayo, MLB.com has a new article up, "Cubs 10 Prospects to Watch in 2010"

And the link.

http://mlb.mlb.com/news/article.jsp?ymd=20100...

"Silva Slugger"...nice.

well-done all around and thanks for the guest post.

not sure why everyone else is so serious today...maybe I need to bring up Fox News again.

Now THAT was funny!

Wells is actually scheduled to start on August 16th.

RESEARCH!

@ The E-Man: I wasted 3 HOURS of my life writing it. Ha Ha! I win/lose!

@ Charlie: Actually, as far as Theriot goes, I probably should have considered the fact that it's entirely possible that has *already* happened.

Thanks to everyone for the feedback. :)

Be honest, this was written while on peyote, wasn't it?

that's when all the best writing is done.

Maybe Al Yellon would like this piece :)

(ducks)

I think the bear is pasted on the wrong face in that pic.

Excellent job, Elizabeth K! I loved how you finished it up with Starlin Castro (may he live forever). I thoroughly enjoyed it.

I loved this piece before we got a glass harmonica reference (saw one in a museum a few months ago and was blown away--I'd buy Sori's album!). Anyway, this one went to 11!

Jeff Samardzija

Frustrated by his inability to master a breaking pitch and fatefully being placed next to Koyie Hill's locker, Samardzija in inspired to chop off two fingers on his right hand Mordecai Brown style...takes over closer duties by August.

Jeff Baker
released May 1, 2010

Carlos Silva
first MLB player to be DL'd for obesity

http://milb.scout.com/2/958151.html

Vitters is 2nd behind Alvarez

Vitters is a contact hitter that has plus power and high average potential. While he won’t draw many walks and will swing outside the zone, getting himself out, Vitters is a pure hitter that will do damage in the middle of a lineup. He has tremendous baseball instincts and innate ability but struggles putting learned knowledge into application. His progress defensively has been slow, and it is possible that Vitters ends up in the outfield.

Is that from this year? Now the consensus is that Vitters will stay at third and Alvarez will be at first, not that I by any means am pimping the consensus point of view.

took them 4 hours to name the final bench spot.

C. Tracy officially makes the team, Millar released.

http://twitter.com/PWSullivan/statuses/113223...

Fuld and Hoffpauir optioned to Iowa.

strangely relieved at the common sense approach.

Oh, somewhere in this favored land the sun is shining bright,
The band is playing somewhere, and somewhere hearts are light,
And somewhere men are laughing, and little children shout;
And there is joy in Cubville -- 'cause Tracy's in and Millar's out.

kevin millar sucks
he's nothing more than filler
send his ass elsewhere

I thought Wednesdays were Haiku day...

now that's funny

Agreed!

I guess now the clubhouse will resort to Seinfeld re-runs.

We dodged a dud.

Goodbye Kevin Millar, AKA "Anthony Friese" "Carlos Ahearn" "Ivan Jimenez". "Kyle Morgan" "Great Johnson" "Dave Herman" and "Kane Matthews." Your time is up. You wore Cubbie Blue, but you'll never be a Cub.

I like how we've re-imaged this team, to one with a lack of patience and poor defense. We may lose a lot, but at least it will be quick and sloppy, just the way most guys like it.

http://www.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?topic_id=8...

eh...better than the shit the Cubs produce.

My favorite guest post in a while. TCR's great but it's always needed a woman's touch.

I look forward to reading more of Lizzy's stuff.

I liked this guest post already, but I love it now that it has brought "quick and sloppy" and bloggers in need of a "woman's touch" in the comments.

I realize "bubbly" is misogynist-speak, but that's just what this post is... bubbly. But bubbly is not entirely a bad thing after what's happened in the "Colvin 4-hit" post comments, mind you.

against the Cubs today...

last COL ST game at High Corbett field televised on MLB TV live right now.

it's a nice field even if it's almost all in the sun and the facilities are "meh"...and they have to share a parking lot complex with a zoo amongst other buildings. the backdrop/view over the RF/CF is really nice.

goodbye pro baseball in Tucson...

Pie appears to have overtaken Nolan Reimold(notes) for the Opening Day spot in left field, MASN Sports reports.

http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/news?slug=rotowir...

not bad for a guy who didn't play for a chunk of the spring.

meh...

neither did Reimold, probably be a platoon to start the year...

helluva an outfield defense they should have

The O's should really trade Pie if they ever get a decent offer for him. He just makes so little sense as a LF. They've got CFs in all 3 outfield spots now.

Lucky for the O's, they're in an easy division.

http://espn.go.com/blog/chicago/cubs/post/_/i...

Remember 2009 in all its...um...glory?

The number 1 play is "the fans attend the games" Dumb. I hate when lists do crap like that.

Sheesh. They had to start the list with two negative Bradley moments?

they were pretty memorable though...

forgot how awesome that Z meltdown was...

I don't think Bradley thrown out was that memorable. The Z meltdown was fantastic--I love that he ejected the ump. The Reed Johnson catch was great. I would've liked more defensive plays--which they could include they took out the Bradley ejection and #1. Of course, I don't watch ESPN much.

they did miss that play Blanco made throwing from the ground

http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?c...

Colvin robbed Braun of a catch as well...although it was 7-1 in the 9th at the time.

http://chicago.cubs.mlb.com/media/video.jsp?c...

Damn, I'll miss Blanco. Theriot better hit 300 this year.

#5-#2 seem legit...the stuff before...well, technically i guess it counts. #1 is stupid as hell, though.

I maintain that it was a b.s. call by the ump, probably just trying to rattle Bradley a little. Not defending Bradley, just pointing out that umps can be dickheads, too.

#1, the fans... wtf? Dumb.

Geesh, Jeff Baker even loads up on his swing like Mark Derosa does.

off Gorzelanny

3-2 in the 6th, at least no walks by Gorzelanny

and a colvin triple...still looking for that 1st walk of the year.

still looking for that 1st walk of the year

Don't worry; he'll get it--in June!

I guess you're looking for it more than he.

He will need to look for it in the regular season.

gives Cubs the lead with a 2-run HR in 8th, Marmol a scoreless inning with no K's but a walk.

I think that this is an interesting social experiment. If the byline had been, like Ralph, I bet the comment count would have been a little smaller.

mitch williams on MLB Tonight Live was doing a demo on throwing a spitball and blatently admitted he'd use it when his fastball wasn't having a good night. it was pretty matter-of-fact and not a joke/laugh thing.

my personal favorite was john rocker's arm sweat ball wetting method which was pre-gripped on the bottom while he shook sweat down his arm to his grip fingers. they didn't touch on that one, though. don't think rocker's admitted to it. don't think people wanna talk about him much, either.

hehe...yeterday's catcher for the A's game...all 9 innings...

jake fox.

they REALLY want a reason to keep him on the big league roster.

lou on cubs 30/30 (mlb network)...paraphrased

"we have a young bullpen"

"need fuku/sori to drive in more runs"

"need marmol to be closer-quality"

"less injuries"

...seems to love how colvin is hitting the ball (he went non-monotone)

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