Your 2010 Cubs: What To Expect

Hello, everyone! I'm Lizzy: Native Virginian, devoted Cubs fan, and author of a blog called The Fair Base Ballist. I was supposed to make a guest post here when Rob G. was on vacation, but technical difficulties prevented my doing so. I spent a good chunk of time hammering out individual player projections for 2010, and Rob has been kind enough to let me go ahead and post them. I hope you'll enjoy, and please contribute your own ideas to mine (especially for the mystery bench player who is likely to be announced 5 minutes after I publish this. I have omitted the 4 candidates for brevity's sake.)

Without further fanfare, your 2010 Chicago Cubs previews. They are all 100% serious.

Carlos Zambrano:
Big Z is going into the 2010 season with an improved physique and
attitude. I say he tallies 4 homers before the All Star break and
starts to take up knitting.

Ted Lilly:
Will hit a home run this season... possibly his first game back.
BELIEVE IT.

Ryan Dempster:
14-7, 3.69 ERA, 1.28 WHIP, 19 QS, 190 K, 206.2 IP, 24 QP (Quality
Pranks,) 13 NSQP (Not-So Quality Pranks.)

Randy Wells:
Will pick a road alias based on a Will Ferrell character and think
he's soo-ooo clever for it.

Tom Gorzelanny:
The slack jawed southpaw will sneak undetected into Wrigley several
times in the middle of the night to catch lightning bugs.

Carlos Silva:
I'm not going to name any names, but certain Cubs beat reporters are
already looking forward to writing pieces on Carlos' hitting under
the headline “Silva Slugger.”

Jeff Samardzija:
The Shark will fall in love with a charming south-side shopkeeper who
knows nothing about baseball. This will inadvertently put his career
on the right track. Ah, the power of love!

Sean Marshall:
Write this down: On August 17^th
Randy Wells will eat some bad pasta primavera at a sketchy San Diego
bistro (he will have heard that the chef there was reputable, a sad
bit of misinformation.) Violently ill on August 18^th,
Randy will be unable to make his scheduled start. Sean Marshall,
unsurprisingly, is the last minute replacement. He will take a
no-hitter into the 8^th
inning. With 2 outs, he will lose the bid on a blasted infield single
to stupid Will Venable. He'll still end up with a 2-hit shutout.

Carlos Marmol:
Here's your daily dose of optimism, courtesy of Dr. Liz: Not only
will Marmol hold down the closer position for the entire 2010 season,
he will be the second best
closer
in our division and we'll all be angry in July when he isn't selected
as an All Star.

John Grabow:
Will watch “Memento” and get all weirded out, because he's
John G., too!

Esmailin Caridad:
That smile will take him far.

Justin Berg:
May we please call Justin “Pika-Cheeks” for obvious reasons?

Geovany Soto:
Y'know, I think, y'know, that's Geo's gonna have a much better,
y'know, year this year. Because, y'know, he lost all that, y'know,
weight, and just seems really motivated, y'know?

Koyie Hill:
At one point in '09, video footage surfaced of Koyie standing atop
Wrigley's scoreboard and tossing off frisbees. Remember that? Well,
stay tuned, 'cause this year Koyie's gonna try the same thing with
bowling balls!

Derrek Lee:
Will continue to make striking out look good.

Mike Fontenot:
Font and Z will go on being special buddies.

Jeff Baker:
Would rather not make a prediction as it might turn out to be wrong.

Ryan Theriot:
Things will get awkward between The Riot and several of his teammates
as they catch him interviewing himself in the bathroom mirror
multiple times.

Aramis Ramirez:
I can't say what I'm thinking or I'll jinx it.

Alfonso Soriano:
In the time that Soriano spends on the DL this season, he will learn
to play the glass harmonica and release his own self-titled album.
All profits will go toward the preservation of endangered sea
turtles.

Marlon Byrd:
Will smile, and make merry, and win over the masses whether he
performs well or not. Because Marlon has won me
over already, I am thoroughly convinced he's gonna be awesome.

Kosuke Fukudome:
Kosuke will hold a press conference in mid-May and divulge that his
young son suffers from an extremely rare disease which causes his
face to resemble that of a cute animated bear.

Xavier Nady:
I will doodle his name all over everything for as long as he is
donning Cubby blue.

Tyler Colvin:
With any luck, Mr. Colvin will prove that his spring performance has
not been a fluke, and none of us will feel too bad when Soriano
inevitably pulls, strains, sprains, and/or fractures various parts of
his body.

*Starlin Castro:
Although he was raised in the Dominican Republic, you may not know
that Starlin was actually born
on the “Lost” island... under a rainbow... on Christmas. He is
endowed with a bat of silver, a glove of gold, the mind of a wizard,
and the heart of a Newfoundland puppy. He will descend upon Chicago
like an enormous trophy-shaped cloud on a scorching summer day. He
will win you over with a flash of his bat, leather, and boyish smile.
Within 2 weeks of his debut, Baseball Tonight will quit selecting the
day's top Web Gems (what's the point when all 10 belong to the same
player?) Over the second half, Starlin will become the owner of a
70-game hit streak and a .464 batting average. A few journalists will
question the naturalness of these feats, but Starlin will click his
heels together 3 times and they'll all vanish into thin air. If,
after all this, you are one of Starlin's few remaining doubters, he
will fly to your home on the back of a magical rocking-horse and
sprinkle you with an enchanted mixture of star dust and goat ash
while you're sleeping.

By 2020, he shall have a World Series ring for each finger, 10 MVP
awards, and a lovely alcove reserved for him in the Hall of Fame. He
will play every year at the league minimum salary, continually
rejecting colossal pay-days, because he just wants to play for the
love of the game. When Starlin's career finally concludes, his jersey
number will be universally retired (Not just from baseball, but from
all mathematics.)