A Celebration of the Awesome Awfulness of Our Man Neifi

If you're a connoisseur of the work of Neifi Perez as I am–and as I know many longtime readers of The Cub Reporter are–you'll delight in this piece written by King Kaufman and posted at Salon.com.

The story, an excerpt from "Top of the Order: 25 Writers Pick Their Favorite Baseball Player of All Time," is simply too delicious for me to recap here. I will just share this passage, in which Kaufman, a Giants fan, explains how he became a Neifiphile.

It was in early June 2003, [Neifi's] first and only full season with the club, when I noticed he was a sort of secret weapon. The Giants were a good but not great 26-22 on the days when Perez made it onto the field. But when he stayed in the dugout, they were 13-1...

So I invented the Neifi Index, a measure of the contribution a player makes to his team by not playing. The Giants had a .542 winning percentage when Perez played, .929 when he did not. So his Neifi Index was .387 (.929 minus .542). I concocted the Neifi Award, given to the bench player in each league with the highest Neifi Index, and unique among baseball awards in that you or I, if we could only find our way onto a major-league team, would be a shoo-in to win it.

Postscript: in linking to Neifi's page at Baseball-Reference.com, I just saw that King Kaufman is a paid sponsor of the page, which also carries this tribute from the writer: "In his own way, he was the greatest I ever saw."

Indeed.


Comments

pieces like that are why the Internet was invented...

obviously you've not seen enough asian, brazillian, and german internet porn.

Fukkakedome?

Speaking of, I have a friend who just last week upgraded from dial-up. He's got a lot of catching up to do.

Kudos to him. He'll be desensitizing himself at an exponentially higher rate now.

Yeah, but it feels like watching aboriginals who are perfectly at peace with life suddenly be exposed to war, advertising, crack, Jerry Bruckheimer and The Black Eyed Peas.

There's good stuff on the internet too, like ScrabbleBlast, so maybe he's not completely doomed.

Did you know that Neifi in Tongolese, a southern Island not far from Indonesia, means "ball magnet" a little known fact, although most do not realize it it not THAT kind of ball.

Had his parents known, they would have chosen a derivative, "Neifay" which is the metrosexual form of Sack magnet which changes the meaning altogether - it is the ability to fill a grocery bag with fruits and veggies from the isles, and woman standing in the line has a tradition of exhortation to the bag boy with the words "Neifay Ole." At which time the bagger leaned the paper bag forward and scooped the food with the hand in a shape of a spade shovel, filling to the brim, uprighting the sack and handing it to the patron with a slight brush of the back of the hand toward the female upper body part, like shoulder, in an expression of respect and piqued interest. If done correctly, the couple would be married the next day and drummers would line the wedding recessional, shouting to the beat, "Neifay Ole, toto buffet!" over and over until exhausted.

After the chanting, clerks would check if the bag boy was already married at which time he was sent to AA ball in the Southern league to learn the skills of sliding since he already knew the skill of running FAST... True story. Check out www.askascout.com for more or to sign up for an application for an opening in the check out line there.

It's true. I read it on the Internets.

I couldn't help myself:

Went back to Baseball-Reference.com—how mind-blowingly amazing is that site, by the way?—and calculated the Neifi Index for his time with the Cubs.

The Sucktastic One played in 264 games for the Cubs between 9/16/04 and 8/19/06. The Cubs went 125-139 (.473) in those games. In the 49 Neifi-less games the team played through that same period, the record was 23-26 (.469). This suggests a NEGATIVE Neifi Index of .004, i.e., THE CUBS WERE ACTUALLY BETTER WITH NEIFI THAN WITHOUT HIM!

I submit that, like albino squirrels and watchable movies based on "Saturday Night Live characters," this is an exceedingly rare phenomenon worthy of appreciation and intense academic study.

Those teams really sucked.

It was because Neifi saved us dude in 2005.

ugg...05.

i think i injured myself for 4-6 weeks just thinking about that team.

dlee/neifi/burnitz were the only guys who stayed healthy all year.

NOOOOOOOMMAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!!!

~sobs~

I highly recommend clicking over to Salon and reading the whole thing, it's hysterical.

Great article, Cubnut.

Thanks for finding and posting. You should alert the author to your Negative Neifi Index. Perhaps Kaufman can investigate and offer another article?

Glad you enjoyed it. I was planning to drop Kaufman a note and invite him into the close-knit Neifi Brotherhood that has flourished here at TCR for so long.

doug flynn, jesus alou, and joe demastri gets no respect...

gary bennett agrees loudly from the backfield...

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  • Brewers just claimed him

    johann 54 min 26 sec ago view
  • Before Wood,Strop, Rondon yesterday

    Elias: 99 yrs. since a bullpen threw at least 7 perfect innings. last time 6/23/17 by Boston. Ernie Shore retired last 26 after Babe Ruth ejected for arguing balls and strikes after walking lead off hitter. Runner was caught stealing.

    jacos 2 hours 47 min ago view
  • CUBBIES-4-EVER: It's not ten days including the day the player was Designated for Assignment, it's ten day from the day the player was Designated for Assignment. 

    So because Neil Ramirez was Designated for Assignment on 5/21, the deadline to either assign the player to another club (MLB or minor league) or release the player is 5/31 (today). 

    Arizona Phil 6 hours 3 min ago view
  • AZBOBBOP: No updates. 

    Arizona Phil 6 hours 44 min ago view
  • Phil, any updates on eight Oscar de la Cruz or Luis Hernandez?

    azbobbop 16 hours 16 min ago view
  • One miscommunication in outfield and the Cubs would have another no hitter

    jacos 17 hours 27 min ago view
  • Bruce Levine [email protected]

    Sex Fowler out with sore heel

    Pretty epic nickname

    johann 18 hours 3 sec ago view
  • Mike Olt lives!

    The E-Man 18 hours 34 min ago view
  • Screw the closer.

    Old and Blue 20 hours 25 min ago view
  • He's had so few save opportunities that it might be difficult for him to get the All Star nod but Rondon has an absolutely ridiculous 1.05 ERA and 1.06 FIP after this game so far (and I think his worst outing was in the 10th inning non save situation) so I do absolutely think he is worth considering.

    johann 20 hours 28 min ago view
  • wood(4)/grimm/strop/rondon combine for 7ip 0h 0bb 8K

    nasty.

    crunch 20 hours 42 min ago view
  • 3ip 0h 0bb 3k for t.wood...nice.

    28 pitches.

    wonder if they'll let him go another.

    4ip 0h 0bb 4k...and probably done f'real this time. 43 pitches and in line for the win.

    crunch 21 hours 31 min ago view
  • And stay off the keyboard too

    Eric S 21 hours 39 min ago view
  • Depends how long he'd be gone but if not too long I would assume they'll use Wood or Cahill and limit them to 4 or 5 innings and call up a reliever to use in the bullpen.

    johann 21 hours 58 min ago view
  • hopefully it's a carlos-zambrano-special and he just needs to drink more water and less coffee+redbull before starts.

    crunch 22 hours 3 min ago view
  • Assuming Hammel needs some DL time for the hammy, who do the Cubs call up: Glasnow or Taillon? Too many starting pitching prospects at Iowa to choose from.

    Eric S 22 hours 6 min ago view