Cub Fans: Go Garden Instead of Killing Someone

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I was driving home from work Friday when a hapless woman slammed on her brakes, blocking the right lane, just past an entrance to the auto mechanic's place where she wanted to go. The car behind her was bumper to bumper, too close to pull around. The car behind that car was me, in the same predicament, only I was a Cub Fan and the Cubs had just lost to the Pirates again.

The woman wanting to go into the auto mechanic's place had apparently decided she'd wait until traffic cleared behind her so she could back up, rather than go around the block.

The Rage, it just took over.

I started blaring my horn at second #3.

I also had my top down, which gave me the luxury of yelling, which happened at about second #7.

By the time I could pull out into the left lane, little bits of stuff between my teeth were flying out my mouth while I let out a constant stream of full volume profanity which I'm sure you couldn't really hear because of the horn. When I got parallel, I stopped in the left lane (not caring about the traffic behind me), and with all the veins popping out of my neck told her in so many words that I thought she wasn't a very smart person.

And when she looked at me I didn't get the satisfaction of her being mad back because she looked... like she was looking at a crazy man.

How long had I been trapped there? Maybe 15 seconds.

And that's when I realized I'd lost it.

Which is why today is a perfect day to go garden with the game on your transistor.

Cubs on 1st and 3rd with one out and Aramis hits into a double play? Take your freaking hoe and whack the ground with all your might.

John Grabow comes in and walks the first two with the Cubs up by one in the 6th? Shovel like Cool Hand Luke in the prison line.

Get on your knees with that spade in both hands and plunge it into the dirty black heart of wasted run opportunity and pitching incompetence.

By the time the game's over, you'll be spent and even if the Cubs drop another one, the tomatoes will be planted.


Tim Souers work can be regularly found at Cubby Blue.

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Comments

"I also had my top down"

I'm glad you didn't say you had your top off, cuz guys look like shit without shirts on, no matter what they think.

Oh, and btw, this is no longer a statistical anomaly or a "small sample size" issue. Aramis is, officially, somehow, out of the blue, suddenly, a very bad hitter. I can't think of I time I've seen such an extreme drop.

Going into the game April 21 ... Colvin had had three starts in 2.5 weeks, and he was batting .222.

Over the next eight games, he got six starts. By the end of that time, his average rose to .325.

He's had two starts since then, over about three weeks. His average is back down to .269.

However, I'll admit there's one thing he hasn't been able to accomplish: being a veteran, even one who can't get his avg above .200.

I called a buddy who used to play minor league ball, and he told me the best way to be a veteran is to get playing time. Since I've never played, I'll have to take his word for it.

I'll try to talk to Lou before the game. I've got 13 more minutes to get him his pizza or else it's free.

Lastings Milledge seems to be doing his Jake the Rake Fox impression today.

next year i'm planting my garden like this.

the tomatoes and peppers will probably taste better.

fun fact: tom rickets has signed 400,000 more autographs from spring until now than the entire lockerroom combined.

ah...a win. feels good.

I'm with you Cubby Blue. When the Cubs are losing I like to get drunk and hang out with the hoes.

HAHA!

nice! Hang w/the hoes!!

Tim - what a hilarious article. I really enjoyed it. Somehow I feel like I've done what you described in a sports-related rage. Fortunately I have many opportunities between my beloved Bears and Cubs. How they both seem to permanently suck is uncanny

I agree.

I never knew until this season that Xavier Nady was 80 percent nose.

With the Great Schnozola's hit to give the Cubs the lead, Tyler Colvin might as well find the Ken Griffey Approved Nap Chair in the clubhouse.

Holy crap, the Cubs won that game? I looked at one point yesterday and saw it was 0-3 pirates in the second inning or some crap and decided to go do something more fun than watch the cubs get swept by the pirates again, like a colonoscopy or sinus rinse or something, I don't really remember. Guess I should have muddled through.

FIRE HENDRY!!!!!!!

lulz.

I've never tried a spade from my hands and knees - I did do some yard work after the hawks game Sunday, though.

Recent comments

The first 600 characters of the last 16 comments, click "View" to see rest of comment.
  • Phil, any news on Oscar de la Cruz? Is he actively rehabbing?

  • Obama approves that message, as does the Trans community in N.C.

  • The advantage we have is Ross is a bit susceptible to the walk and this Cubs team, you know, walks a lot.

  • http://i.imgur.com/eeRC3g0.jpg

    get a room, you two. actually, bring it in for a group hug! yeah!

    The Crunch Reporter thanks you for your input. my feelies...however...weep for the future of this country.

  • @The E-man ♥ (for that post)

  • It is a "thing" with you. That's just it. The more here that point it out, the less you see it. WISCGRAD only one example. ROB G today....

    That's ok - addicts are the last to find out they have a "thing".

  • once again, ONCE AGAIN...this isn't even a "thing" i started...i just commented on someone else "starting it." it's a message board. even if i did "start it" people shouldn't give a shit unless they have something to bring to the table...even if it's just a joke.

    yes, i see a silver lining...i also see problems. i commented on both.

    how about more posts complaining about things i say. TCR could use more of that.

  • Phil, any update on Oscar de la Cruz? Is he actively rehabbing?

  • CRUNCH: It is obvious that you never see the silver lining, are uninterested in the huge preponderence of positives that typically outweigh your nitpick of the post by like a 10:1 margin. You cared not about Lester's 10 K's the last start compared to your contrarian view of his mortal mistake (which didn't matter) of not getting the ball out of his glove. Today you go on about his glove out (which he did last year) and same results. And, you never seem to mention first that he pitched really well - shutout a team with nearly every player batting over .300.

  • i like turtles.

  • "I had a pretty good career before he (Ross) came along..."

    it's like arguing with a moran...

  • *facepalm*

    nevermind. i've seen this film before, it sucked.

  • not sure it could be any better, but he gives up a lot on defense...so who knows? Soler's peripherals and inevitable warm weather makes me think he'll get it going soon. Sadly, the D will still suck.

    Baez at 3B with Bryant in OF is looking more and more like the lineup we'll see in Sept/Oct, but again, who knows? I'm not too overwhelmed by Baez's AB's, still looks to be swinging out his ass, but he seems to be making more contact. But a .385 BABIP will not hold...although he should be launching a few more...but damn that D.

  • Yes! Why clog 'em up?!

    Hopefully Hendricks will hit all his spots tomorrow.

    Or, Joe Ross has a really off night.

  • OMG, he had a tough inning of his own doing!!! If only he walked all those hitters on base instead, we could be spared your delusions of 250 IP and consecutive CY Young awards.

    There's a little going on here, that is being made into a lot by you.

    Didn't WISCGRAD already debunk all this last year, certainly ignored by you, but I believe he went through every instance a runner was on base against Lester and how little it ended up mattering. And unlike you, I do not care to repeat myself ad nauseum.