Cub Fans: Go Garden Instead of Killing Someone

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I was driving home from work Friday when a hapless woman slammed on her brakes, blocking the right lane, just past an entrance to the auto mechanic's place where she wanted to go. The car behind her was bumper to bumper, too close to pull around. The car behind that car was me, in the same predicament, only I was a Cub Fan and the Cubs had just lost to the Pirates again.

The woman wanting to go into the auto mechanic's place had apparently decided she'd wait until traffic cleared behind her so she could back up, rather than go around the block.

The Rage, it just took over.

I started blaring my horn at second #3.

I also had my top down, which gave me the luxury of yelling, which happened at about second #7.

By the time I could pull out into the left lane, little bits of stuff between my teeth were flying out my mouth while I let out a constant stream of full volume profanity which I'm sure you couldn't really hear because of the horn. When I got parallel, I stopped in the left lane (not caring about the traffic behind me), and with all the veins popping out of my neck told her in so many words that I thought she wasn't a very smart person.

And when she looked at me I didn't get the satisfaction of her being mad back because she looked... like she was looking at a crazy man.

How long had I been trapped there? Maybe 15 seconds.

And that's when I realized I'd lost it.

Which is why today is a perfect day to go garden with the game on your transistor.

Cubs on 1st and 3rd with one out and Aramis hits into a double play? Take your freaking hoe and whack the ground with all your might.

John Grabow comes in and walks the first two with the Cubs up by one in the 6th? Shovel like Cool Hand Luke in the prison line.

Get on your knees with that spade in both hands and plunge it into the dirty black heart of wasted run opportunity and pitching incompetence.

By the time the game's over, you'll be spent and even if the Cubs drop another one, the tomatoes will be planted.


Tim Souers work can be regularly found at Cubby Blue.

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Comments

"I also had my top down"

I'm glad you didn't say you had your top off, cuz guys look like shit without shirts on, no matter what they think.

Oh, and btw, this is no longer a statistical anomaly or a "small sample size" issue. Aramis is, officially, somehow, out of the blue, suddenly, a very bad hitter. I can't think of I time I've seen such an extreme drop.

Going into the game April 21 ... Colvin had had three starts in 2.5 weeks, and he was batting .222.

Over the next eight games, he got six starts. By the end of that time, his average rose to .325.

He's had two starts since then, over about three weeks. His average is back down to .269.

However, I'll admit there's one thing he hasn't been able to accomplish: being a veteran, even one who can't get his avg above .200.

I called a buddy who used to play minor league ball, and he told me the best way to be a veteran is to get playing time. Since I've never played, I'll have to take his word for it.

I'll try to talk to Lou before the game. I've got 13 more minutes to get him his pizza or else it's free.

Lastings Milledge seems to be doing his Jake the Rake Fox impression today.

next year i'm planting my garden like this.

the tomatoes and peppers will probably taste better.

fun fact: tom rickets has signed 400,000 more autographs from spring until now than the entire lockerroom combined.

ah...a win. feels good.

I'm with you Cubby Blue. When the Cubs are losing I like to get drunk and hang out with the hoes.

HAHA!

nice! Hang w/the hoes!!

Tim - what a hilarious article. I really enjoyed it. Somehow I feel like I've done what you described in a sports-related rage. Fortunately I have many opportunities between my beloved Bears and Cubs. How they both seem to permanently suck is uncanny

I agree.

I never knew until this season that Xavier Nady was 80 percent nose.

With the Great Schnozola's hit to give the Cubs the lead, Tyler Colvin might as well find the Ken Griffey Approved Nap Chair in the clubhouse.

Holy crap, the Cubs won that game? I looked at one point yesterday and saw it was 0-3 pirates in the second inning or some crap and decided to go do something more fun than watch the cubs get swept by the pirates again, like a colonoscopy or sinus rinse or something, I don't really remember. Guess I should have muddled through.

FIRE HENDRY!!!!!!!

lulz.

I've never tried a spade from my hands and knees - I did do some yard work after the hawks game Sunday, though.

Recent comments

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  • Also, I'd like to know if there are numbers to back up my suspicion that there are a lot more fast starts than late June romps. This seems like a time where everybody not named Willson Contreras is looking a little tired and/or banged up a bit.

    For once, the Cubs got off to a fast start. Seems like I've been waiting for that for 50 years.Everybody is really gunning for this team, too. It's their playoffs.

    Old and Blue 25 min 42 sec ago view
  • He reminds me of a little of a young guy currently on the Cubs' DL, who is also tank-like in appearance.

    Old and Blue 41 min 12 sec ago view
  • draft signings are trickling in...rounds 6-9 are signed + a random slew of others.

    http://www.baseballamerica.com/draftdb/index.php

    filter by team.

    crunch 9 hours 28 min ago view
  • Former Major League All-Star Jim Hickman dies at 79

    http://www.tennessean.com/story/sports/2016/06/25/...

    QuietMan 10 hours 31 min ago view
  • Yep...sort of. Matheny says Rosenthal will no longer pitch the 9th, and they will mix/match Oh, Siegrist and Broxton.

    billybucks 10 hours 51 min ago view
  • Duane Underwood now 0-5 with a 5.44 ERA for Tenn. Urp. Warren not sharp at Iowa tonight. When will Cease and Hudson be ready?

    On a positive note, Jiminez with his 10th HR tonight. He has a .924 OPS -- the only player in the league with an OPS over .900. Leads the lead in 2B, SLG and OPS, tied for the league lead in HR and 3rd in Avg. Nice!

    billybucks 10 hours 56 min ago view
  • - The pressure of going for the regular-season wins record is now gone.
    - Joe will come up with more wacky dress-up ideas for the team to wear after they lose their next get-away game.
    - There is more clarity on Spencer Patton.
    - We play the Reds next. They aren't very good.
    - We'll have at least a 9 game lead after today.
    EDIT: - Contreras looks like the real deal.

    Other than that, not much -- nasty stretch. Two ugly losses in the last 4 games.
    Ugh -- give Lackey a 4-1 lead, you hope for better.

    billybucks 12 hours 57 min ago view
  • Joe: "We lost. They beat us. Now where's my '09 Guigal Bordeaux glass...?

    The E-Man 13 hours 54 min ago view
  • I forgot how rail thin skinny Carl Edwards Jr. Is - he threw some nasty stuff - hope that continues

    Eric S 14 hours 14 sec ago view
  • HAHAHA! I love it here! Brilliant...

    The E-Man 14 hours 3 min ago view
  • "The pressure of going for the regular-season wins record is now gone."

    Brilliant. Maddon is a genius!

    Brick 14 hours 7 min ago view
  • "Drink copiously but responsibly."

    Done and done. Thanks for that.

    Brick 14 hours 8 min ago view
  • Oil Can Boyd now pitching for the Cubs

    Eric S 14 hours 17 min ago view
  • It's a long season. There will be stretches like this. It's Saturday night. Drink copiously but responsibly.

    Jackstraw 14 hours 24 min ago view
  • That valuable RBIGIDP.

    Brick 14 hours 24 min ago view
  • Someone talk me down here.

    Brick 14 hours 38 min ago view