Cub Fans: Go Garden Instead of Killing Someone

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I was driving home from work Friday when a hapless woman slammed on her brakes, blocking the right lane, just past an entrance to the auto mechanic's place where she wanted to go. The car behind her was bumper to bumper, too close to pull around. The car behind that car was me, in the same predicament, only I was a Cub Fan and the Cubs had just lost to the Pirates again.

The woman wanting to go into the auto mechanic's place had apparently decided she'd wait until traffic cleared behind her so she could back up, rather than go around the block.

The Rage, it just took over.

I started blaring my horn at second #3.

I also had my top down, which gave me the luxury of yelling, which happened at about second #7.

By the time I could pull out into the left lane, little bits of stuff between my teeth were flying out my mouth while I let out a constant stream of full volume profanity which I'm sure you couldn't really hear because of the horn. When I got parallel, I stopped in the left lane (not caring about the traffic behind me), and with all the veins popping out of my neck told her in so many words that I thought she wasn't a very smart person.

And when she looked at me I didn't get the satisfaction of her being mad back because she looked... like she was looking at a crazy man.

How long had I been trapped there? Maybe 15 seconds.

And that's when I realized I'd lost it.

Which is why today is a perfect day to go garden with the game on your transistor.

Cubs on 1st and 3rd with one out and Aramis hits into a double play? Take your freaking hoe and whack the ground with all your might.

John Grabow comes in and walks the first two with the Cubs up by one in the 6th? Shovel like Cool Hand Luke in the prison line.

Get on your knees with that spade in both hands and plunge it into the dirty black heart of wasted run opportunity and pitching incompetence.

By the time the game's over, you'll be spent and even if the Cubs drop another one, the tomatoes will be planted.


Tim Souers work can be regularly found at Cubby Blue.

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Comments

"I also had my top down"

I'm glad you didn't say you had your top off, cuz guys look like shit without shirts on, no matter what they think.

Oh, and btw, this is no longer a statistical anomaly or a "small sample size" issue. Aramis is, officially, somehow, out of the blue, suddenly, a very bad hitter. I can't think of I time I've seen such an extreme drop.

Going into the game April 21 ... Colvin had had three starts in 2.5 weeks, and he was batting .222.

Over the next eight games, he got six starts. By the end of that time, his average rose to .325.

He's had two starts since then, over about three weeks. His average is back down to .269.

However, I'll admit there's one thing he hasn't been able to accomplish: being a veteran, even one who can't get his avg above .200.

I called a buddy who used to play minor league ball, and he told me the best way to be a veteran is to get playing time. Since I've never played, I'll have to take his word for it.

I'll try to talk to Lou before the game. I've got 13 more minutes to get him his pizza or else it's free.

Lastings Milledge seems to be doing his Jake the Rake Fox impression today.

next year i'm planting my garden like this.

the tomatoes and peppers will probably taste better.

fun fact: tom rickets has signed 400,000 more autographs from spring until now than the entire lockerroom combined.

ah...a win. feels good.

I'm with you Cubby Blue. When the Cubs are losing I like to get drunk and hang out with the hoes.

HAHA!

nice! Hang w/the hoes!!

Tim - what a hilarious article. I really enjoyed it. Somehow I feel like I've done what you described in a sports-related rage. Fortunately I have many opportunities between my beloved Bears and Cubs. How they both seem to permanently suck is uncanny

I agree.

I never knew until this season that Xavier Nady was 80 percent nose.

With the Great Schnozola's hit to give the Cubs the lead, Tyler Colvin might as well find the Ken Griffey Approved Nap Chair in the clubhouse.

Holy crap, the Cubs won that game? I looked at one point yesterday and saw it was 0-3 pirates in the second inning or some crap and decided to go do something more fun than watch the cubs get swept by the pirates again, like a colonoscopy or sinus rinse or something, I don't really remember. Guess I should have muddled through.

FIRE HENDRY!!!!!!!

lulz.

I've never tried a spade from my hands and knees - I did do some yard work after the hawks game Sunday, though.

Recent comments

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  • Phil, have you heard anything about the condition of Oscar De La Cruz's elbow? Has there been talk of a time table? Is he throwing?

    K Dub 2 hours 19 min ago view
  • i was distracted for most of the game and also missed the first few innings.

    but yeah, any time he makes a good fielding+throwing play on D it's worthy of praise and a trip to pizza hut for a personal pan pizza and $1 worth of songs on the juke box.

    seriously, i'll take it.

    crunch 4 hours 24 min ago view
  • BTW, CRUNCH, Lester made a nice bh pick-up and toss to Bryant. Did you catch it?

    He's been workin' on the D!

    The E-Man 6 hours 20 min ago view
  • j.urias didn't have a good debut...

    2.2ip 5h 4bb 3k...3 r/er...1 wp

    81 pitches. yow.

    crunch 9 hours 4 min ago view
  • Ach - I really only saw it quickly and thought that's where it it. No matter - he crushed it and the video board people did not have to repair the panels from what I saw!

    The E-Man 9 hours 16 min ago view
  • Totally agree with that re Soler, whereas Bryant seems to get the close call (so far) this year.

    Good to see Baez get a couple knocks today - been awhile

    Eric S 9 hours 23 min ago view
  • that works too...there wasnt a good CSN replay...was going off whatever len or jd (dont remember) said.

    crunch 9 hours 28 min ago view
  • I was there. From what I saw it was upper third of the scoreboard

    The E-Man 9 hours 31 min ago view
  • No I have been thinking actually that he seems to lead the Cubs with balls called strikes all year. He really shouldn't be expanding his zone to swing at many of those either because it wouldn't lead to anything good. He's seeing the ball well though so hopefully it'll even out.

    johann 10 hours 29 min ago view
  • So why don't the umps like Soler, or am I just imagining it?

    Rob Richardson 10 hours 41 min ago view
  • Yeah, but he kills lefties.

    billybucks 12 hours 45 min ago view
  • wow...instant hardcore rain.

    rain delay.

    crunch 12 hours 52 min ago view
  • it was massive...hit off the bottom of the LF scoreboard.

    crunch 13 hours 23 min ago view
  • Projected at 461 ft, with a 108 mph exit velocity - longest Cub HR this year by 20 ft (I think Arrieta had the longest?)

    Eric S 13 hours 32 min ago view
  • this team is full of horrible walkup music...rizzo uses 'marky mark and the funky bunch' more than he should...which is any at all.

    d.ross uses alphaville 'forever young' because lulz.

    lastella was using (still might be) 'oh what a night' by the four seasons.

    turrible turrible stuff.

    crunch 13 hours 33 min ago view
  • ROSS #100!

    cubs lead 1-5, bottom 4.

    crunch 13 hours 50 min ago view