Cub Fans: Go Garden Instead of Killing Someone

(click on the image to see the full-size version)

I was driving home from work Friday when a hapless woman slammed on her brakes, blocking the right lane, just past an entrance to the auto mechanic's place where she wanted to go. The car behind her was bumper to bumper, too close to pull around. The car behind that car was me, in the same predicament, only I was a Cub Fan and the Cubs had just lost to the Pirates again.

The woman wanting to go into the auto mechanic's place had apparently decided she'd wait until traffic cleared behind her so she could back up, rather than go around the block.

The Rage, it just took over.

I started blaring my horn at second #3.

I also had my top down, which gave me the luxury of yelling, which happened at about second #7.

By the time I could pull out into the left lane, little bits of stuff between my teeth were flying out my mouth while I let out a constant stream of full volume profanity which I'm sure you couldn't really hear because of the horn. When I got parallel, I stopped in the left lane (not caring about the traffic behind me), and with all the veins popping out of my neck told her in so many words that I thought she wasn't a very smart person.

And when she looked at me I didn't get the satisfaction of her being mad back because she looked... like she was looking at a crazy man.

How long had I been trapped there? Maybe 15 seconds.

And that's when I realized I'd lost it.

Which is why today is a perfect day to go garden with the game on your transistor.

Cubs on 1st and 3rd with one out and Aramis hits into a double play? Take your freaking hoe and whack the ground with all your might.

John Grabow comes in and walks the first two with the Cubs up by one in the 6th? Shovel like Cool Hand Luke in the prison line.

Get on your knees with that spade in both hands and plunge it into the dirty black heart of wasted run opportunity and pitching incompetence.

By the time the game's over, you'll be spent and even if the Cubs drop another one, the tomatoes will be planted.


Tim Souers work can be regularly found at Cubby Blue.

Tags: 

Comments

"I also had my top down"

I'm glad you didn't say you had your top off, cuz guys look like shit without shirts on, no matter what they think.

Oh, and btw, this is no longer a statistical anomaly or a "small sample size" issue. Aramis is, officially, somehow, out of the blue, suddenly, a very bad hitter. I can't think of I time I've seen such an extreme drop.

Going into the game April 21 ... Colvin had had three starts in 2.5 weeks, and he was batting .222.

Over the next eight games, he got six starts. By the end of that time, his average rose to .325.

He's had two starts since then, over about three weeks. His average is back down to .269.

However, I'll admit there's one thing he hasn't been able to accomplish: being a veteran, even one who can't get his avg above .200.

I called a buddy who used to play minor league ball, and he told me the best way to be a veteran is to get playing time. Since I've never played, I'll have to take his word for it.

I'll try to talk to Lou before the game. I've got 13 more minutes to get him his pizza or else it's free.

Lastings Milledge seems to be doing his Jake the Rake Fox impression today.

next year i'm planting my garden like this.

the tomatoes and peppers will probably taste better.

fun fact: tom rickets has signed 400,000 more autographs from spring until now than the entire lockerroom combined.

ah...a win. feels good.

I'm with you Cubby Blue. When the Cubs are losing I like to get drunk and hang out with the hoes.

HAHA!

nice! Hang w/the hoes!!

Tim - what a hilarious article. I really enjoyed it. Somehow I feel like I've done what you described in a sports-related rage. Fortunately I have many opportunities between my beloved Bears and Cubs. How they both seem to permanently suck is uncanny

I agree.

I never knew until this season that Xavier Nady was 80 percent nose.

With the Great Schnozola's hit to give the Cubs the lead, Tyler Colvin might as well find the Ken Griffey Approved Nap Chair in the clubhouse.

Holy crap, the Cubs won that game? I looked at one point yesterday and saw it was 0-3 pirates in the second inning or some crap and decided to go do something more fun than watch the cubs get swept by the pirates again, like a colonoscopy or sinus rinse or something, I don't really remember. Guess I should have muddled through.

FIRE HENDRY!!!!!!!

lulz.

I've never tried a spade from my hands and knees - I did do some yard work after the hawks game Sunday, though.

Recent comments

Subscribe to Recent comments
The first 600 characters of the last 16 comments, click "View" to see rest of comment.
  • Well I guess if pitchers can keep working the edges of the plate to perfection it will be a long season. But that doesn't seem likely. Rizzo finally, fully, snapping out of it would help.

    Old and Blue 30 min 13 sec ago view
  • If I didn't believe in coincidences (or science), I would apologize to Gordon Downie--one of my favorites. Sad news about a great talent.

    CTSteve 37 min 30 sec ago view
  • Hi Arizona Phil,

    Has there been any news on Oscar de la Cruz' health?

    Raisin101 7 hours 8 min ago view
  • bruh...

    crunch 8 hours 23 min ago view
  • O&B: Cease was apparently working on his off-speed pitches in his first & thrd innings, because in his second inning of work he just blew the D'backs away with high-velocity gas (that's when he hit 99-100 and struck out the side). 

    Arizona Phil 8 hours 41 min ago view
  • Wow, Lyin' CTSteve? He was just BEGGING for my endorsement last year!  Lame!

    Transmission 8 hours 47 min ago view
  • 1. I did not say the thing I insisted that Trans write down and attribute to me, or it was taken out of context.

    2. Trans and his "roast" (aka, a Salisbury steak TV dinner by Swanson) are very low energy.

    3. Make TCR great again.

     

    CTSteve 8 hours 53 min ago view
  • Yeah, I'm fine if I don't hear another one, furlong time.

    Transmission 8 hours 55 min ago view
  • nice recap, horrible game...i hope to never hear another horse pun/joke for at least a decade.

    crunch 9 hours 7 min ago view
  • Recap posted.  ~sigh~

    Transmission 9 hours 25 min ago view
  • THAT WAS TURRIBLE.

    MY GAWD.

    crunch 9 hours 48 min ago view
  • Ok, fine. I'll do a recap.

    Transmission 12 hours 52 min ago view
  • Thanks for the post AZ. That's a huge attendance. Scouts must be excited about somebody.

    Would you say Cease's performance was a result of working on his change or was it just a bad outing? And isn't Ademan some ridiculous age, like 17 or something?What are your thoughts on him?

    Old and Blue 12 hours 59 min ago view
  • LOL and yes. No need to even be that formal, can just say "Trans, keep my name out of this abomination of a discussion."

    Transmission 15 hours 31 min ago view
  • Carrie Muskat Verified account
    [email protected]

    Shane Victorino was released. Will have more details later. He was on Iowa #Cubs roster

    QuietMan 16 hours 15 min ago view
  • *tumbleweeds*

    wonder if he was released to retire or to try to latch on with someone else...

    crunch 16 hours 18 min ago view