Roger Clemens indicted for allegedly being a big fat steroid-taking liar!

(Click on image for full size version)

If you were a baseball player, there are words and phrases you just don't want in the same sentence as your name. Words and phrases like: "federal grand jury", "indicted", "lying to Congress", and of course, "steroids" and "growth hormone".

And yet there it is: "A federal grand jury on Thursday indicted seven-time Cy Young Award winner Roger Clemens for allegedly lying to Congress about using steroids and growth hormone."

Awesome.

There's an old joke I've never told out loud because... well, I'm terrible at telling jokes. But I found it online:

A Scottish old timer in Scotland, in a bar, talking to a young man.

The Old Man says, "Lad, look out there to the field. Do ya see that fence? Look how well it's built. I built that fence stone by stone with me own two hands. I piled it for months."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Fence-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man gestured at the bar. "Look here at the bar. Do ya see how smooth and just it is? I planed that surface down by me own achin' back. I carved that wood with me own hard labour, for eight days."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Bar-builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man points out the window. "Eh, Laddy, look out to sea...Do ya see that pier that stretches out as far as the eye can see? I built that pier with the sweat off me back. I nailed it board by board."

"But do they call me McGreggor-the-Pier-Builder? Nooo..."

Then the old man looks around nervously, trying to make sure no one else is paying attention.

"But ya fuck one goat..."

This the exact same story that Roger wrote for himself with his own actions and mouth.

Now, his nickname won't be as simple as McGreggor's.

It'll probably have a bunch of asterisks and hyphens, wouldn't you think?

Roger that.

You can view Tim Souers work on a daily basis at Cubby Blue.

Tags: 
Cubby Blue
Roger Clemens
Submitted by CubbyBlue on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 12:17am
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Comments

Submitted by crunch
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 12:30am

heard that.

Submitted by JoePepitone
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 1:29am

Wonderful piece. Great joke. Perfect ending.

Submitted by Tony S.
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 1:52am

I hope they fry all the bastards, I really do. My grandmother (God rest her) loved Sammy, but fuck it, he should be next.

And about lying to congress, where the fuck is Palmeiro's charge?

I think just like Kennesaw Mountain Landis had gambling, Selig should have had steroids.

And about what else AT ALL does anyone say "At least Congress is doing something about it!"

Submitted by Brick
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 6:25am

He was seventeen feet tall, he had a hundred and fifty wives.

Submitted by The Real Neal
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 6:47am

There's no evidence that Palmeiro had used steroids prior to his testimony, unlike Tejada and Clemens.

Submitted by Old and Blue
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 9:36am

He used steroids AFTER his testimony? I don't think so, unless someone kicked him in the head and all his brain matter fell out.

Submitted by The Real Neal
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 5:57pm

In black and white for you.

http://nbcsports.msnbc.com/id/9991413

Submitted by Tony S.
on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 7:13pm

Your article says "insufficient evidence", not no evidence. Potentially big difference. And just because he didn't get caught sooner, or there's "insufficient evidence", doesn't mean he's not a crooked bastard like the rest of them.

"Though he never officially retired, Palmeiro has not played since 2005."

For a guy with 3000 hits, etc., why did his career end in infamy? Where is the tearful retirement for him, clemens, etc.??

I'll grant that Palmeiro was 40 years old when he got suspended, but by golly, if I was trying to clear my name of this shit I'd damn sure be motivated to play another year.

The truth is that the fucking league knows damn well all these idiots were using. It's just Clemens' (and Bonds') bad luck that there's enough evidence to bust them for lying in court about it.

Submitted by The Real Neal
on Mon, 08/23/2010 - 12:12pm

I think you're a rapist, Tony, expect to be arrested shortly.

There's evidence for you. The evidence that these other guys were using is a little more substantial than heresay, which was all that existed with Palmeiro prior to the hearings.

Submitted by tbone
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 11:30am

Maybe Congress will do to Clemens what they just did to the company formally known as Blackwater: Fine them an insignificant amount and then let them pay it off with more government contracts.

Submitted by Paul Noce
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 11:45am

I've said all along that players who fail PED tests shouldn't be suspended. They should simply have their arms cut off. They can stay on the roster and keep playing.

Submitted by crunch
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 1:54pm

ha.

the owner and his mother (especially his mother) love to use the money they make off that to fund politicians and voter initiatives that are big on restricting freedoms...well, non christian-value freedoms.

his mom was the #1 private individual contributor to a "silly little marriage argument" that took place in a state 3000 miles away...and that money didn't come from some rich husband or lottery winning.

Submitted by crunch
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 2:04pm

http://latimesblogs.latimes.com/lanow/2010/08...

jay mariotti arrestred...

Submitted by navigator
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 2:23pm

All 50 year olds who go to discos should be arrested.

Submitted by Paul Noce
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 10:21pm

I thought you said "Jay Mariotti Ass-Turd", which would actually be accurate, too.

Submitted by Paul Noce
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 2:41pm

On the Cubs radio pre-game show, Ron Santo just said Tyler Colvin will start at 1b on the road (presumably the next road trip).

Submitted by jacos
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 2:55pm

according to lou the road game call was mace to eliminate "pressure " on colvin at home.

go away lou

Submitted by crunch
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 3:05pm

what pressure at home?

these fans got over being angry and frustrated months ago...they can't even be bothered to boo for the most part anymore.

Submitted by The E-Man
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 3:34pm

Look. Bruce Levine discussed today that, like it or not, Colvin has had a lot of shit to deal with as a young player, in his first season:

- Makes the team, told "Will get 3-5 startys a week"
- Does NOT get the above.
- When he DOES get starts, he excels. Yes -
- He doesn't get much playing time in the first 90 days of the season until "Pinhead", as you call him, decides, "Yes,
I guess he is outplaying Nady, who can't throw anyway.
- He is then put in the #1 spot in the order when Theriot can't do much, and further, is traded. Why Lou puts him here where he completely is not suited, in inexplicable (of course, now, realizing this, Fuku is in this spot)
- He goes through a slump, and K's 25% of the time, having difficulty with breaking pitches (I was in attendance yesterday, and the great Justin Heyward has the same problem. His BA is not any better than Colvin's, btw)
- Now, with DLee gone, management decides to train him by the seat of his pants, during the last two months of the season, to play 1B.

I do not know when the last time you played in the Majors under the above circumstances CRUNCH, but I would guess the pressure to perform, while going through all of the other shit (and lack of experience), is dramatic. This was Levine and Hood's point on Talking Baseball today.

Submitted by crunch
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 3:37pm

i was calling the fans apathetic more than i was concerned with colvin's mental state.

the guy will never walk much which means he'll depend on his bat putting the ball in play for everything...speaking of, castro better keep hitting like polanco/tejada if he wants to continue his success.

Submitted by jacos
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 3:42pm

22 games under .500 not alot of expectations or pressure imo. And it seems most of his problems stem from Lou so where does it matter he starts?

Submitted by The E-Man
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 4:12pm

Maybe no "team" pressure anymore, but learning a new position in front of 25, 000+ people, one you have not played for a number of years is "pressure" at 22 years old in the bigs.

Submitted by Newport
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 5:45pm

Who is 22?

Submitted by Paul Noce
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 6:14pm

Jerry Mumphrey.

Submitted by Paul Noce
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 4:13pm

Good points, but let me add that J Hood is a douchebag and I lost all respect for Bruce Levine last week when he wrote that the Cubs should move ARam to 1b next season "because it's easier to find a 3b than a 1b."

Submitted by crunch
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 4:16pm

moving a perfect good rocket-arm guy from 3rd to 1st...

great idea...wait, stupid as hell.

Submitted by The E-Man
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 7:55pm

In context IIRC, the discussion was that due to his CONSTANT INJURIES, training at 1B would not be the worst idea IF the team does not pursue other options.

It is easy to take pot shots as we all do ananomously, but locally in my opinion, Bruce Levine is the best in the business.

If you have never heard his argument on-tape with Ed Lynch ("Without the fans, you don't have a job..." ) in the locker room, then this would win any consummate Cub fan's loyalty.

I have met the guy in a professional capacity in the press area, and he certainly was nice to me - didn't know me at all. Just sayin'.

- (paraphrased) 1984, after the Cubs swept the Mets in a
double header. Levine went into the Mets locker room and
asked Lynch about a home run he'd given up.Lynch's reply was
"that's a horseshit question,pal"... It went back and forth, with the now still-Cubs employee saying he didn't care about the media, etc., etc., Levine told Lynch that he wouldn't have a job if it weren't for the media. Lynch asked
"Without you,I don't have a job??". Bruce went on to explain about how the media inform the fans, and it is part of the job, and entertainment, etc. After the incident, Levine was kicked out of the locker room.

Submitted by crunch
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 7:59pm

i didn't read the article.

there's been a bit of rumor-mongering going on aram moving to 1st by more than a few writers, but the whole thing seems nuts to me since he's only around 1 more year.

Submitted by QuietMan
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 8:32pm

Thought I heard Ed Lynch was no longer on the Cubs payroll. Thought I heard he was with the Blue Jays now.

Submitted by The E-Man
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 8:46pm

could be right. It is a habit.

Submitted by big_lowitzki
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 8:39pm

I have been less and less impressed with Levine over the last year or so. Seems to me like he has "lost a step or two."

Seems to me that he used to bring more inside insight, and now is just coasting.

Submitted by The E-Man
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 8:50pm

I listen to his show every Saturday. He has long-term relationships rivaling any national writers. Further, he is well-respected by GM's, managers, many scouts, etc. Both Ken Williams and Hendry have, on-air - gone out of their way to pay respects to his professionalism.

Today he had on Oneri Fleita. You may have heard this, but Fleita gave a report on Archer as well as other youngsters and admitted shortcomings in what management's MiLB performance had been overall in years previous. I do not even know if I have heard him interviewed one time by anyone in 2010 - except at Cubs Convention time.

But - Levine is in his mid-late 60's...

Who knows how long the run goes?

He fucks up too. With his trade predictions, comments, etc. But gets plenty more right, than wrong, imo.

Submitted by JoePepitone
on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 1:50am

As I recall it, (with help from Baseball-Reference) the Mets came to Chicago in Aug. of 1984 .5 games behind the Cubs to play a four game series. The Cubs swept all four games to move 4.5 games ahead in 1st place. Games 2 & 3 were a doubleheader the Cubs took 8-6 and 8-4. During a 6-run 5th inning in game 1, both Cey and Moreland homered. Later, in game 2, the Cubs scored 5 runs in the 4th inning off Lynch, all after 2 outs (3 runs unearned due to an error by Wally Backman). After the fifth run scored, Lynch drilled Moreland with a pitch. Immediately following in the top of the 5th, Sanderson drills the second Met batter in the inning. Sanderson is immediately removed from the ballgame (the box score does not indicate that he was ejected).

After the game, Levine asks Lynch if there is any role in baseball for a "purpose pitch". Lynch responded, "What?" and Levine repeated the question, to which Lynch replied, "that's a horeshit question, pal." Levine said, "Just doing my job" to which Lynch says, "I don't give a (bleep) about your job, pal." (I assume he said "fuck" but I never heard it unedited.) Levine then said, "If I don't do my job, then you don't have a job." After which the conversation deteriorated along the lines that E-man mentioned -- towards the end of the tape you heard Lynch, followed by several other Mets players shouting at Levine to "get the (bleep) out of here."

Submitted by crunch
on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 1:53am

that's a ballsy and stupid question by levine...mostly ballsy...heh.

that stuff is the team's business...especially in 1984 before they started putting rules/warnings/etc. into that part of the game.

Submitted by crunch
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 2:50pm

woo...Fox gives the east coast a cubs game this saturday.

everything's coming up milhouse.

Submitted by crunch
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 3:29pm

huge-ass bobby cox celebration billboard in RF...thanks miller lite.

Submitted by crunch
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 3:57pm

damn billy wagner...didn't know it was that bad out there =p

"Me and my family have made plans for retirement," he said Saturday. "I don’t need it anymore. I’m tired of the expectations, tired of the criticism, tired of people who never played trying to tell me how to play."

that's a lot of angst for a guy who hasn't had a bad season in a decade aside from a few time-eating injuries.

Submitted by crunch
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 5:12pm

gorz hits for himself leading off after 106 pitches? guess he's going out there again.

Submitted by crunch
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 5:34pm

120 pitches (1 pitch away from arm ruining, btw...good thing he stopped at 120). great outing by gorz.

Submitted by jacos
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 6:04pm

Barney looks like jeter, facially and physically.
You don't think the cub scouts thought the same thing?

Submitted by crunch
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 6:34pm

probably...until they realized he can't hit a ball further than 200ft.

Submitted by Jackstraw
on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 12:43pm

"probably...until they realized he can't hit a ball further than 200ft."

Of course he can.

Just not all at once.

Submitted by Tony S.
on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 7:20pm

HA!

Submitted by jacos
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 6:06pm

And tim mccarver is a retard

Submitted by crunch
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 7:10pm

via ye olde world o roto:

Dontrelle Willis has joined up with Triple-A Fresno.
Willis apparently hit 93 MPH in his last outing in Arizona and could join the Giants in September if he continues to make progress. The left-hander signed a minor league deal with San Francisco in mid-July.

Submitted by Cubster
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 7:12pm

Hope Cashner can help out the I-Cubs for their playoff run, otherwise Rothschild just might convert him to a lefty reliever since his right arm is currently useless

Submitted by The E-Man
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 7:57pm

Geez! What is wrong with Cashner! It seems he has "Wide-Out Syndrome" of "one-pitch-itis" or something?

Submitted by crunch
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 7:54pm

rut roh...

s.strasburg done flibbity floobed up his elbow.

Submitted by crunch
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 8:02pm

from a philly beat writer's twitter (matt gelb):

Strasmus is canceled. The kids are crying. Everywhere. 1 minute ago via TweetDeck

Submitted by crunch
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 9:45pm

RT @jaysonst: Strasburg has strained flexor tendon in forearm. MRI tomorrow.

Submitted by Paul Noce
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 10:25pm

I bet they find little Mark Priors in there, throwing a towel.

Submitted by Cubster
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 10:42pm

Quietman: Best organ-I-zational move in the last offseason...

http://m.torontosun.com/12289871.1?fullscreen

December 29, 2009 9:35 AM |The Toronto Sun reports: Former Cubs general manager Ed Lynch has joined the Toronto Blue Jays as a scout. Lynch, who remained with the Cubs as a scout in Arizona after being ousted as GM in July of 2000, left the organization in November.

http://www.chicagobreakingsports.com/2009/12/...

Submitted by Cubster
on Sat, 08/21/2010 - 10:47pm

Theriot, two out solo HR, 2nd vs Leake

that just sounds wrong.

Submitted by navigator
on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 10:01am

Riot hit the home run off CUETO. He gave up four HR's before Leake took over.

Cueto was not himself. Blame it on the suspension.

Submitted by Cubster
on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 9:27am

phil Rogers latest interviews Ken Burns...

"What we've recognized is that this steroids era inflated one thing, home runs, and if you're a one-note Charlie, you're sort of in trouble," Burns said. "This is a terrible ball-and-chain for (McGwire and Sosa) to drag around.''

http://www.chicagotribune.com/sports/sc-spt-0...

Submitted by The Real Neal
on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 10:23am

I guess we should all tune in for this.

http://msn.foxsports.com/mlb/story/broadcaste...

Hopefully there's a Cubs WS win in there somewhere.

Submitted by jacos
on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 10:48am

lou's last game today.
press conference coming up.

Submitted by John Beasley
on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 10:54am

Damn! He couldn't even run out the clock.

Submitted by WISCGRAD
on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 10:54am

The Cubs quickly named third base coach Mike Quade manager for the rest of the season, starting with Monday's game at Washington. The rest of the coaching staff would stay for now, the team said.

Submitted by jacos
on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 11:00am

trammel will not be considered for 2011.

lou's mother getting worse, is the reason for leaving .

lou flips the bird at us one last time---jeff baker is today's starting right fielder.

Submitted by Paul Noce
on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 11:40am

Quade, Jesus F. Christ. He can't even manage being the third base coach. This feels like McFail is running the team.

Submitted by The E-Man
on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 12:09pm

He is a HUGE upgrade over Wavin' Wendell, though.

And, he's from my home town. He is the absolute least of the team's worries.

Submitted by jacos
on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 12:22pm

There's a poster who said quade would be s good manager a few years back,

Forgot who it was, now is his chance.

Submitted by Charlie
on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 12:41pm

Quade instead of Trammel is a head scratcher, no?

Submitted by Charlie
on Sun, 08/22/2010 - 12:49pm

LouPa quits, so now we have Barney, Baker, Nady and Hill all in the starting lineup at the same time?

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