So the Cubs head to Yankee Stadium for a weekend series, and I thought I'd take this opportunity to introduce you all to the team. See, since they're in New York, they don't get the media attention that they probably deserve. They toil in obscurity in a decrepit stadium (which is, thankfully, going to be replaced soon), and because they don't have the revenue to bring their payroll over $200M, they're struggling to stay over .500 and are six games behind the free-spending, large market Orioles.
So, herewith, a quick sketch of the 25 guys who wear the pinstripes (which, by the way, are a slap in the face of tradition and ought to be replaced by something in a nice solid-color doubleknit):
: Don't know much about this guy other than he's tall, left-handed, and the Cubs won't have to face him.
: 14-year veteran who some people tout as a prospective Hall of Famer even though he's never won 20 games in a season. I mean, come on.
: Was once traded for Pedro Martinez
. Shunned the bright lights of Miami to cast his lot with this plucky band of overachievers.
: One of the nicest guys you'd ever hope to meet.
Chien-Ming Wang: Wow, really?
: Led the league in appearances the last four seasons but has only 25 wins and 5 saves to show for it. Obviously an underachiever.
: Very angry at Aramis Ramirez
for usurping the title of "best player named after a Musketeer."
: Has freakishly short arms.
: Used to have the best porn-star mustache this side of Jeff Kent
, but had to shave it off when he joined the Yankees because owner George Steinbrenner is afraid of facial hair.
: Once wrote a book about Stephen King or something.
: Actually, I don't have anything clever or witty to say about this guy -- when you've had an ERA under two five times in your career, you're exempt from my attempts at humor.
: He's good, but he's no Matt Nokes.
: Usually by the time you end up in Tampa Bay, there's no chance of getting out, but somehow Tino managed it.
Robinson Cano: Teammates still unsure how to pronounce his last name.
: Can hit a little.
: The last person who criticized Jeter's game ended up at Guantanamo.
: Starting left fielder. Seriously.
: He's good, but he's no Tsuyoshi Shinjo
: Again, nothing funny to say here. I'm afraid of him.
: Was very good when the first George Bush was president.
: Has the easiest job in baseball.
Russ Johnson: Hasn't shown up at the park since May 19th, and no one has noticed.
: Too old to still go by the name "Bubba."
: Might want to consider brushing up on his classical guitar skills.
: Is apparently involved in some sort of scandal, but it's been difficult to find anyone in the media interested in covering it.
I hope this helps. It was difficult to find any sort of information about this team online, so I can't vouch for the accuracy of everything, but I think this should give us a little more insight into the Cubs' next opponent.