Honor and Tradition and All That Junk
Submitted by Rob G. on Fri, 06/17/2005 - 9:54am
So the Cubs head to Yankee Stadium for a weekend series, and I thought I'd take this opportunity to introduce you all to the team. See, since they're in New York, they don't get the media attention that they probably deserve. They toil in obscurity in a decrepit stadium (which is, thankfully, going to be replaced soon), and because they don't have the revenue to bring their payroll over $200M, they're struggling to stay over .500 and are six games behind the free-spending, large market Orioles. So, herewith, a quick sketch of the 25 guys who wear the pinstripes (which, by the way, are a slap in the face of tradition and ought to be replaced by something in a nice solid-color doubleknit): STARTING PITCHERS Randy Johnson: Don't know much about this guy other than he's tall, left-handed, and the Cubs won't have to face him. Mike Mussina: 14-year veteran who some people tout as a prospective Hall of Famer even though he's never won 20 games in a season. I mean, come on. Carl Pavano: Was once traded for Pedro Martinez. Shunned the bright lights of Miami to cast his lot with this plucky band of overachievers. Kevin Brown: One of the nicest guys you'd ever hope to meet. Chien-Ming Wang: Wow, really? RELIEF PITCHERS Paul Quantrill: Led the league in appearances the last four seasons but has only 25 wins and 5 saves to show for it. Obviously an underachiever. Tanyon Sturtze: Very angry at Aramis Ramirez for usurping the title of "best player named after a Musketeer." Mike Stanton: Has freakishly short arms. Buddy Groom: Used to have the best porn-star mustache this side of Jeff Kent, but had to shave it off when he joined the Yankees because owner George Steinbrenner is afraid of facial hair. Tom Gordon: Once wrote a book about Stephen King or something. Mariano Rivera: Actually, I don't have anything clever or witty to say about this guy -- when you've had an ERA under two five times in your career, you're exempt from my attempts at humor. STARTING NINE Jorge Posada: He's good, but he's no Matt Nokes. Tino Martinez: Usually by the time you end up in Tampa Bay, there's no chance of getting out, but somehow Tino managed it. Robinson Cano: Teammates still unsure how to pronounce his last name. Alex Rodriguez: Can hit a little. Derek Jeter: The last person who criticized Jeter's game ended up at Guantanamo. Tony Womack: Starting left fielder. Seriously. Hideki Matsui: He's good, but he's no Tsuyoshi Shinjo. Gary Sheffield: Again, nothing funny to say here. I'm afraid of him. Ruben Sierra: Was very good when the first George Bush was president. BENCH John Flaherty: Has the easiest job in baseball. Russ Johnson: Hasn't shown up at the park since May 19th, and no one has noticed. Bubba Crosby: Too old to still go by the name "Bubba." Bernie Williams: Might want to consider brushing up on his classical guitar skills. Jason Giambi: Is apparently involved in some sort of scandal, but it's been difficult to find anyone in the media interested in covering it. I hope this helps. It was difficult to find any sort of information about this team online, so I can't vouch for the accuracy of everything, but I think this should give us a little more insight into the Cubs' next opponent.